Letters from a Disgruntled Gnome

Dear Trespassers,

          We would like to announce that it is time for you to have your little white dog’s teeth cleaned. Last night while we were out tending to our mushrooms and enchanting rocks so that when the Woodland Fairies sit on them they render them silent your dog accosted us. It is a little known fact about our kind, but we despise dogs especially little white ones that breathe on us when we are seen.

          The smell that came from that creature smelled worse than the bog of shame and the land of perpetual farts. Both of these places are where we hope to one day send all of the Woodland Fairies, that is if we catch them. Because of your creature we had to burn our clothes and buy new ones. Here is a little-known fact Gnomes hate shopping!

          First of all, there are no stores in the Enchanted Shopping Mall that only sell clothes for gnomes. This means that we the gnomes have to go out and be among other fairytale creatures. I don’t know if you have figured this out by now, but gnomes don’t play well with others.

          True, we like the Pond Trolls, but that is mostly because they make things that are gross and useful in our epic struggle against the Woodland Fairies. Freeway Orgres aren’t so bad either, but that is because they share our love of complaining. I mean, if you lived under noisy human roads that constantly interrupted your ability to take a nap, you would be cranky too. This is why we are friends! Still, they only have to deal with cars and we have to deal with fairies, ugh.

          As much as we like Pond Trolls and Freeway Ogres guess what? They don’t hang out at the Enchanted Mall. At the mall, there is nothing but Tree Elves, Flowers Sprites, and of course Woodland Fairies. So any time we gnomes have to go shopping it is stressful.

          Thanks to your little white dog we had to go back to this awful place that smells of something called pretzels and “happiness.” Do you know how difficult it is to buy clothes from elves and fairies? They are so happy and always try to get gnomes to buy these weird things called accessories. We don’t know what that is, but we are pretty sure we don’t like them. Then after we find what we need they always put a flower in our beards or worse, smile at us.

          After this awful experience we the gnomes, request that your dog either be muzzled outside or have its teeth cleaned soon. The smell is atrocious and if it is not remedied post haste we will have no choice, but to retaliate by leaving troll dung on your doorstep. If possible we would like to avoid this unpleasantness, but we are the Gnomes and we will be treated with dignity!

Signed,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Disgruntled and Bestunk Gnome.

Dear Squatters,

          Do you children have any idea how loud you talk? We the gnomes do not understand how two children are so loud as you run across our sacred lands. All gnomes appreciate great war cries as we attack the Woodland Fairies, but you two are so LOUD ALL OF THE TIME!

          The only time we gnomes are as loud you two is when we are going into battle or having a family reunion. In case you were wondering what that is like, it is mostly yelling and complaining. Gnome family gatherings always begin by talking about the things that are most upsetting to other members of the family.

          For the first hour, we talk about how much older each other looks and how tight their clothes fit these days. That always goes over very well. Then we like to complain about all of the extra hair we notice that is growing out of each others’ ears and noses. Finally, the event ends with seeing who can throw the clan hedgehog, Leadbrang the lead-bottomed the farthest. He is a rather large hedgehog so everyone is sore afterward.

          Still, you two make so much noise when you are “playing” outside that we gnomes can’t sleep through the day. If we can’t sleep through the day, then we can’t tend to our crop of magical memory mushrooms.

          “Magical memory mushrooms?” You might ask. We gnomes don’t grow these mushrooms so that we can remember all of the things that we need to complain about. Gnomes have an excellent memory when it comes to the things that annoy them. The memory mushrooms don’t help you remember things at all. They are magical because you lose your memory for a little while if you eat one or get hit by one as you are flying through the sky. So basically these are mushrooms are weapons against the Woodland Fairies and the lone outcast from our clan, Hearbork the Hungry.

          We kicked Hearbork out of our clan because he ate all of our carrot pudding and porcupine pie that we were saving for our victory celebration of once again ruining the Woodland Fairies’ day. When the battle was won, our grand army returned home to find all of our dishes empty and Hearbork taking a nap. For this, he had to go. So now anytime he comes to try and rejoin our clan we feed him a mushroom. He then forgets where he is and we always tell him that he belongs to the kite gnomes on the other side of the forest. So basically we tell him to go fly a kite.

          The magical mushrooms are also useful in hitting the Woodland Fairies as they fly over our lands at night trying to spread magical dust that will make everyone happy. This, as you might imagine, annoys us so fire these mushrooms at the fairies, and when they get hit they forget who they are. We gnomes are always glad to tell them that they are not fairies and that are geese who were flying south for the winter. They usually get all of the way to Florida before they remember who they are.

          So you see, these magical mushrooms are a great source of joy for our gnome clan. However, we can’t grow them properly if we don’t get enough rest during the day. With that in mind, we the gnomes demand that you not play outside while it is light outside. We require you to remain indoors playing on your Ippeds and watching your tub.

          If you don’t do as we say, we will pelt both of you with a magical mushroom. Then we will tell you that you are ducks. Would you like to quack like a duck for half a day? We didn’t think so!

Shhhhhh,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Scoundrels,

          It has recently come to our attention that your household is consorting with known enemies of the clans of the garden gnomes, tooth fairies! In particular, we have it on record that you people have entered into a contract for tooth removal with one Fantasia Perrywinkle and one Flutter Snickerbug. As the rightful owner and occupant of these lands, I feel it beneficial for you to know the history of these foul creatures.

          Tooth fairies while not as vile and foolish as their Woodland Fairy cousins are despicable in their own right. We the gnomes, guardians of all decency, find these creatures’ obsession with human teeth to be quite unnerving. These beings break into the houses of humans while they sleep and steal their children’s teeth and you people tolerate this?

          “Oh come now, o wise and gentle Betrand, these fairies celebrate our children’s growth into bigger humans by giving them a donation of money in exchange for their tooth. Isn’t it quite lovely?”

          To which I would humbly respond, “Is it really?” This fact alone is a testament as to why humans must live in homes on our land for they are far too dumb to survive outside as we gnomes do. You all truly think the tooth fairies are your friends for stealing your children’s used teeth? That is quite amusing. Have any of you simpletons ever asked the most important question? What do these foul creatures do with the teeth?

          My spies tell me that these cuspid criminals, these instigators of incisors, bandits of bicuspids, pirates of premolars, and molar miscreants do all sorts of unspeakable things with your children’s “recycled teeth.”

          You would be pleased to know that they sell the teeth of your children as material for fairy patios. That’s right your darling Felicia’s first set of molars are now cemented as part of a foul fairy patio next to their swimming pool. Isn’t that a charming thought? A part of your child is now part of a tooth fairy’s entertaining.

          Oh if that isn’t enough I am told that tooth fairies especially love the teeth that have holes in them. They use these teeth as windows or as peepholes in their doors. Isn’t that lovely? Caroline’s cavity that hurt so much is now used every day so that a vile fairy can enjoy the view from their treetop house?

          They also use your children’s teeth as speed bumps in their villages. By doing this they have ruined our gnome mouse chariot races through their towns. This is despicable and we won’t stand for this any longer.

          The most despicable thing these sinister beings do is trade your children’s teeth to our sworn enemies, the Woodland Fairies which they use to build walls to fend off our attacks. We have yet to find a way to get our rotten tomatoes and raccoon nuggets through these walls.

          In light of your association with these cherishers of chompers, the fans of fangs, treasurers of tusks we humbly ask that you cease all further affiliation with tooth fairies. If not you will discover a trash bag full of dead skunks on your doorstep tomorrow. Please don’t try us we gnomes are experts at catching fart squirrels.

Regards,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Garden Gnome and a detester of all tooth fairies

Dear Rats,

          It seems that you children can’t understand the need to stay out of our way. We would have thought that you got the message after you woke up to giant watermelon, strawberry, grape, Cool Breeze, Banana Split, scented bubblegum bubble in the middle of your bedroom. Sadly, we were very wrong.

          Our gnome spies, Seymork the Sneaky and Jeff, tell us that you children have started making friends in the neighborhood. We the gnomes don’t like making friends. Meeting new people is very painful for us. It gives us leg cramps and makes our tummies hurt. Once, long ago one of our gnomes, Bearslop the Bashful met a tree elf and it caused him to burp for a year. How would you like to burp for a solid year? Better yet, how would you like to listen to it? Our ears hurt so badly when that was over that we lost our hearing and were not able to hear the Woodland Fairies sneaking upon us to hug our entire clan. That was disgusting.

          What is the most upsetting to us is that not only are you making friends, gross, but you have chosen to make friends with one of the greatest enemies of our proud gnome clan, Pansie! “Why O Betrand, do you not like the kind lady who wants to plant trees and flowers all over the neighborhood and give everyone a hug?”

          I will tell you why! Number one, she is always happy. Everything is wonderful and beautiful to Pansie. She also loves to sing, loudly. There is just one problem, she is a terrible singer! Her voice is so soft and so sweet. Humans may enjoy this kind of singing, but we the gnomes do not. Soft and sweet voices make all gnomes’ heads hurt and cause us to not be able to see the color blue.

          Gnome music is mostly shouting and having our trained raccoons bang trash cans. It is the best music of all time and there is no argument. Late at night if you ever hear a cat screeching in the middle of the night, it is not because it is fighting another cat. Have no fear it is just rocking out to the glory of gnome-music.

          Pansie on the other hand can’t sing and must never be allowed to enter into our sacred lands. She is too happy and sings so terribly that the last time her voice was heard on our lands three of our warrior squirrels decided to move to Canada.

          What is worse is that we happen to know the Pansie is friends with the Woodland Fairies! We have declared her a spy for the fairies and therefore, we order you to not be friends with her. If you do not listen to us, we will be forced to collect all of the half-eaten fish sandwiches that are thrown onto our land and put them in front of your door.

Tell her to get lost,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Misanthropes,

          As you woke this morning, you may have noticed that a few things are different around your room. After weeks of you children ignoring our demands and constantly getting in the way of our war with the Woodland Fairies, we the gnomes, decided to take matters into our own hands.

          While we know that trying to fight two wars at once is a bad idea, we the gnomes, have decided not to declare war with you, but instead to inform you that we have declared mischief on you. “What is mischief you might ask?”

          I will tell you what it means. We have decided the best way to get your attention and to give in to our demands is to play mean tricks on you until you surrender and either leave or stay out of our way.

          Now, at this moment you might be saying to yourself, “Ha, gnomes aren’t tall enough to reach our doors to get into our house.” And I would say to that, “Who said anything about needing to be tall to get into your house?”

          Do you remember our brave warrior, Flingdring the Flattened? You terrible creatures turned Flingdring into a walking gnome pancake. After spending the required fifteen days and thirty-five minutes of complaining we discovered that Flingdring can fit under your front door.

          What a glorious day it was when we found that after you had messed up so many things around our home that we could finally do the same to you. That is why as you wake up this morning you will discover that we have tied all of your shoelaces into knots. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, good luck untying gnomes knots. We can’t even untie them that is why every gnome carries scissors in their pocket.

          You will also discover that we found your secret stash of bubblegum and chewed it all last night. We also had the gnome in our clan with the largest set of lungs, Waldorf the Windbag, blow a giant bubble with as many different flavors of your bubblegum that he could cram in his extremely large mouth. I hope that the floor of your bedroom will be sticky for many many days and that you enjoy your watermelon, strawberry, Cool Breeze, cola scented room.

          Finally, we stole all of the erasers off your pencils. We the gnomes have no use for erasers except to sell them to the Pond Trolls in exchange for the algae that grows on the rocks of their land. Gnomes love algae because we use it to coat the branches of the trees where the Woodland Fairies live. When those flying ugly sweaters land on the branches of their home, they just slide right off. Nothing makes us happier than to watch the Woodland Fairies fall out of trees.

          In closing we the gnomes, hope that now that you have seen what we are capable of, you will be willing to accept our demands. That is especially after you have to spend nineteen hours trying to untie your shoes. I guess that you will have to spend three days in bed crying because we chewed all of your bubblegum. We also hope that you enjoy the pressure of never being able to make a mistake again because we stole all of your erasers.

Don’t mess with us,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Hooligans,

          Congratulations, children, somehow you continue to find ways to take all of the fun and joy out of our winter celebration of war with the Woodland Fairies. It seems to us that the one thing you two children are good at is ruining our battle plans. We, the gnomes, are starting to think that you two stay up late at night plotting ways to spoil our war efforts. This also makes us think that you were paid to move here by the Woodland Fairies to cause problems for us. We can’t prove this, yet, but we gnomes will discover the truth.

          “O great and fair Betrand, what have we done this time to offend you and your army of gnomes?” I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

          Just the other day it began to snow again. We gnomes rejoiced at this because we had yet another opportunity to attack our foes, those horrible creatures that sound like the singing4 greeting cards when their batteries are dying. This time instead of building yet another war sled to travel to the Enchanted Fairy Forest we decided to lay a trap for those tone deaf fairies.

          Two of our smartest warriors, Homer Hoofboot and the Gnome formerly known as Mr. McBing Bang came up with idea for the entire gnome army to lie in the “backyard” under tents while the snow gently fell. Once all of our tents were covered in snow we would all hold out the fake roses we have spent the last two weeks making.

          Woodland Fairies love roses and are drawn to them. Roses don’t grow in the winter so we knew that once one of these annoying creatures saw the rose they would go and get the rest of their buzzing busybody friends so that they could hover over the flowers and make up songs about the flowers all day long.

          While, we the gnomes, despise all fairy singing and song writing because two rabbits who have hung upside down all day long and a seven legged spider could write better songs than those clowns, this gave us the perfect chance for attack.

          What these clueless flying pests would not know is that our fake flowers actually contained our special blend of pickle juice, rotten banana peels, and squirrel toots. Once the fairies got close enough to the flowers, we would use the flowers to hose them down with the foul smelling liquid. They would all stink so bad that they would have to spend a week in a bath. This would mean that we the gnomes would have at least one week of peace and quiet with NO SINGING!

          So what happened this time? Well, you children decided that it would be a fun idea to ride your bikes down the hill through the perfect snow where we lay hiding in our trap. In doing this you were successful at exposing our hiding spot to the fairies.

          When the fairies saw how angry we were at being found they gathered up and sang a song about why we should be happy. It was the worst song we have ever heard. Several gnomes even stuck dirt and leaves in their ears so that they never have to hear that song again.

          You children also succeeded in driving right over one of our brave warriors. His name used to be Flingdring the Fearless, but now thanks to you, he is called Flingdring the Flattened.

          As yet another token of our absolute disgust with your actions you will find that your bicycles no long have circles for wheels. We worked all night and made them in to squares. Good luck riding them now.

We are watching you,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Mini-humans,

          WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? You children have no idea what winter is for. As I have said many times before winter exists for one reason and that is to make war with the Woodland Fairies. By now you should know that we, the gnomes, wait all year for this moment. It is a glorious time when we make the journey from what you call the front yard to the forest of those flying car alarms to pay them back for all of the “happiness” they have tried to share with us all year.

          After days of rebuilding our weapons of war due to our giant war sled crashing because of your ramp, we were finally ready to enter the field of battle. When we finally reached what you humans call the “backyard,” do you know what we discovered? Potholes all over the snow because you children pulled up the precious snow to make snowballs to throw at each other!

          Do you know how uncomfortable it is to ride in a war sled pulled by badgers that hits constant potholes and bumps? IT IS REALLY PAINFUL! Several of the gnomes of our clan even considered getting a massage. Gnomes don’t get massages because it robs them of their second greatest joy in life behind plotting the end of the Woodland Fairies, complaining. Late at night when other creatures sit around fires telling stories, we complain about all of the things we didn’t like that day. Believe me, that is always a lot.

          Once we finally made it through your pothole-filled backyard, we thought, “At last we have a clear path to the field of battle.” We couldn’t have been more wrong. When we reached the bottom of the great hill we ran right into a giant wall of snow that you call a fort. We call it building a fence on property that does not belong to you. You children are terrible neighbors! It took us five hours to climb over your “snow fort” and repack our sled!

          Gnomes love war, but we hate exercise. You children made us exercise, a lot, while we climbed over the fence. We the gnomes are known for our round shape and large bellies. Thanks to you on the day that we climbed over your snow wall we all lost weight. NOW OUR PANTS FALL DOWN EVERYWHERE WE GO!

          To further express our extreme displeasure with you please accept this lone tennis shoe we found in the yard. You will notice a certain smell. We took the opportunity to fill the shoe with old French Fries and tuna fish. May its putrid smell haunt you forever!

Ughhhhh,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Mongrels,

          I am writing yet again to further voice my frustration with the way you “children” have chosen to celebrate winter. As I have stated before, we the gnomes love winter for it is the season of war against the Woodland Fairies. This is the moment we long for all year for it is the time when we see just how well the Fairies can sing happy songs while they tremble in fear.

          This is the moment when all of our hard work finally pays off. Winter makes every rotten apple core we have collected from you humans’ compost piles finally pay off. Every scratch and bite mark from training squirrels to climb into the homes of Woodland Fairies and leave dried-up chewing gum on their kitchen tables worth it.

          While we still insist that you are trespassing on our land, we are grateful that you humans brought tons of what you call cardboard with you when moved into your house. We the gnomes have been working hard to steal as much of this cardboard as we can out of your recycle bins at night to construct a large sled to ride to war against the Woodland Fairies.

          Two days ago when the glorious white stuff known as snow fell from the sky we were even more delighted because the hill behind your “house” is perfect for sledding. For centuries we gnomes have built many sleds that we rode down this hill into the magical forest where the Woodland Fairies live. We have often loaded down our sleds with rocks so that when it crashed into the trees where the Fairies live they would all come tumbling out into the snow. This is quite enjoyable for us.

          For once we thought we might have to write you a thank you letter because you children used your big sleds to make a track for our war sled down the hill making our path to victory that much easier. This posed a great challenge for us because gnomes don’t write thank you letters and we never say thank you at all.

          Suddenly the idea crossed our minds that we would have to travel to visit the Great Gnomes of the North and consult the greatest scholar of our people, Milton the Muddled, to discover how to write a Thank You note. I thought I was going to have to be, gulp, nice to you for once.

          Well, that was until we loaded down our sled with all of the used gum we have scraped off park benches all summer long along with the giant ball we made out of all the food wrappers that other humans had tossed out of their car windows onto our sacred land and started down the hill towards the glory of battle. As we neared the bottom of the hill, we discovered that you miserable mini-humans had built a ramp to launch yourself in the air.

          Now, this is most likely fun because you humans don’t go very high in the air on these ramps due to your size. However, when the Grand Army of the Gnomes hit the ramp in our sled we were all launched out of the sled into space and came crashing down into the snow.

          Our sled was destroyed and our giant food wrapper ball rolled down the hill into a large snowball that the Woodland Fairies then flew out of the forest and brought to life. This giant snow-head talked all night long and even recited poetry. Do you know what kind of poetry a giant talking snow-head comes up with? IT IS TERRIBLE!!!

          What is even worse is that one of our brave warriors, Furtwurst the Flatulent, broke his arm in the crash. The Woodland Fairies have always feared the force of this gnome and now thanks to you his strength is lopsided for the time being.  I hope you both feel happy about knocking the wind out of this noble gnome.

          In return for your “kindness” of building a ramp at the bottom of the sled track please enjoy your two sleds which we have frozen in blocks of ice to express our feelings about this utter defeat.

This is not over,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Fiends,
We the gnomes are “so thrilled” that you and your family are adjusting to living on our land. It has come to our attention that the place where you once lived did not have the joy of winter.

Winter is the season of the year that we gnomes love the best, for it is the time of year when we make war against the Woodland Fairies. Finally, after months of plotting, training badgers, and tricking chipmunks into serving as our decoys in attacks, our hard work pays off. It is a glorious time when we get to wipe the smiles off of the faces of the Woodland Fairies, one goofy grin at a time.

That was of course until you children came to town and began disrupting our plans with winter celebrations of your own. What detestable practice is it that you children have adopted to interfere with our plans?

You humans and your obsession with snow is the problem. As I said before we gnomes are glad that you humans have finally gotten to experience the glory of winter, but we demand that you cease and desist in the making of snowmen.

“Why o why Betrand, must we stop making snowmen? After all don’t you know that children love to build snowmen and make pretend they are real?”

I will tell you why you must stop making these snow creatures. What you children “pretend” in the daytime becomes a reality at night. You see, the Woodland Fairies love winter too because they enjoy flying over the homes of human children and bringing snowmen to life at night while you sleep.

“How marvelous and wonderful,” you might also say. Well, I can assure you it is not wonderful or pleasant at all. The moment these snowmen come to life they find the nearest gnome and talk ALL NIGHT LONG!

“What do snowmen talk about?” Well, the answer is that most of what comes out of the mouth of a newly living snowman is nothing short of nonsense and foolishness. The first thing these dimwits want to do is tell us their life stories. Which, should not surprise you doesn’t take very long BECAUSE THEY JUST CAME TO LIFE!

Yet, all night long they talk about how they just came to life and how wonderful it is to be alive. They pester us over and over again. Then they do the one thing we gnomes hate most of all. They start ASKING US QUESTIONS! Gnomes hate questions unless it is, “Would you like to help me attack the Woodland Fairies?”

It is next to impossible to capture the foxes that live at the edge of the woods to use for carrying all of our weapons of war against the Woodland Fairies such as old bubblegum sticks from baseball card packs and rotten eggs when there are annoying snowmen following us around talking all night long.

Therefore, we the gnomes don’t want to build a snowman. More importantly, we demand that you never make a snowman again! If you refuse our request, be prepared to continue to find all of your extension cords and your neighbor’s space heater in the middle of your yard with large puddles around them. Yes, that is right, we the gnomes, are prepared to melt your snowmen and run up your electricity bill if we are ignored.

We mean business,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Six years ago my family and I moved into an old farmhouse that is now located in the heart of the suburbs. Not long after settling into our new home, we received our first letter from Betrand G. Fizzywillow. This message was stuck to our door with an old piece of gum and a brochure about moving to New Zealand. This letter informed us that we were trespassing onto the sacred land of the gnomes and that we should leave quickly or be prepared to face ridiculous consequences such as a yard full of cooked spaghetti noodles (That actually took much longer to clean up than one might imagine.)

Now, we frequently receive letters from Betrand, the chief of the gnomes, and are occasionally given what he calls, “Leave Now Gifts!” Never in our wildest imagination could our family believe that fairytale creatures actually exist or that any could be as cranky as Betrand G. Fizzywillow.

This was the very first letter we ever received from our not-so-friendly neighbor.

Dear Interlopers:
It is quite customary when a new family moves into the neighborhood for those living in the area to extend them a welcome. I, however, am not customary at all! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Betrand G. Fizzywillow and I am the chief of the garden gnomes who have lived on the land where what you humans call a house resides.

Let me, first of all, say, “YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!” For centuries we have lived on these lands in peace. That was of course until humans decided this area was a “lovely place for a neighborhood.” I assure you, IT IS NOT!!!!!!!!!

The previous residents of your home unknowingly built their house on our land and were kind enough to put what you call a “home” directly between our lands and the enchanted forest where our mortal enemies dwell the Woodland Fairies. And in so doing these humans stuck their noses right in the middle of our century’s long war with these party hats with wings.

I know right now you children reading this letter are thinking, “Wow, how amazing that fairies really exist. I hope they do something magical for us!” Let me tell you, it isn’t “amazing” that these miserable creatures exist, it is quite the opposite.

You, humans, think fairies are beautiful and fly around sharing kindness with the world. Guess what? They don’t! You know what fairies do? They are constantly happy regardless of the day or the weather. These “things” also like to sing all of the time! Do you know how hard it is to train badgers for war when there is happy music going on?

Back to what I was saying, you are not welcome here. In fact, allow me to officially ask you to flee our lands and never return. If you refuse to do so, my clan and I will reluctantly tolerate your presence on two conditions.
One, stay away from the giant tree in the middle of your front yard, this is our home! Do not plant pretty flowers around it or do anything to make feel more, “homey.” We like it old and ugly just like it is. And never ever attempt to do something about what the previous occupants of your home called, “that smell.” We like it that way!

In closing as interlopers on our land please be prepared to receive letters from me from time to time with my newest demands. I will at times use big words to share my big feelings. If you don’t know a word, then look it up! Use that stuff that floats through the air with the Woodland Fairies known as “Wiffy.” Or better yet use your Goggles! I don’t understand why you humans need Goggles for everything anyways, what is wrong with your eyes?!

I digress, once again, you are not welcome here, and please leave immediately. If you refuse, do what I say or else. Please receive our offering of your son’s now flattened basketball as a token of our frustration. And yes those are real porcupine quills in the ball. They were shot by our porcupine, Quilliam the Annoyed. Try to stay on his good side.
Leave Now,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief Garden Gnome and Lord of the Lousy