Dear Hooligans,
Congratulations, children, somehow you continue to find ways to take all of the fun and joy out of our winter celebration of war with the Woodland Fairies. It seems to us that the one thing you two children are good at is ruining our battle plans. We, the gnomes, are starting to think that you two stay up late at night plotting ways to spoil our war efforts. This also makes us think that you were paid to move here by the Woodland Fairies to cause problems for us. We can’t prove this, yet, but we gnomes will discover the truth.
“O great and fair Betrand, what have we done this time to offend you and your army of gnomes?” I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
Just the other day it began to snow again. We gnomes rejoiced at this because we had yet another opportunity to attack our foes, those horrible creatures that sound like the singing4 greeting cards when their batteries are dying. This time instead of building yet another war sled to travel to the Enchanted Fairy Forest we decided to lay a trap for those tone deaf fairies.
Two of our smartest warriors, Homer Hoofboot and the Gnome formerly known as Mr. McBing Bang came up with idea for the entire gnome army to lie in the “backyard” under tents while the snow gently fell. Once all of our tents were covered in snow we would all hold out the fake roses we have spent the last two weeks making.
Woodland Fairies love roses and are drawn to them. Roses don’t grow in the winter so we knew that once one of these annoying creatures saw the rose they would go and get the rest of their buzzing busybody friends so that they could hover over the flowers and make up songs about the flowers all day long.
While, we the gnomes, despise all fairy singing and song writing because two rabbits who have hung upside down all day long and a seven legged spider could write better songs than those clowns, this gave us the perfect chance for attack.
What these clueless flying pests would not know is that our fake flowers actually contained our special blend of pickle juice, rotten banana peels, and squirrel toots. Once the fairies got close enough to the flowers, we would use the flowers to hose them down with the foul smelling liquid. They would all stink so bad that they would have to spend a week in a bath. This would mean that we the gnomes would have at least one week of peace and quiet with NO SINGING!
So what happened this time? Well, you children decided that it would be a fun idea to ride your bikes down the hill through the perfect snow where we lay hiding in our trap. In doing this you were successful at exposing our hiding spot to the fairies.
When the fairies saw how angry we were at being found they gathered up and sang a song about why we should be happy. It was the worst song we have ever heard. Several gnomes even stuck dirt and leaves in their ears so that they never have to hear that song again.
You children also succeeded in driving right over one of our brave warriors. His name used to be Flingdring the Fearless, but now thanks to you, he is called Flingdring the Flattened.
As yet another token of our absolute disgust with your actions you will find that your bicycles no long have circles for wheels. We worked all night and made them in to squares. Good luck riding them now.
We are watching you,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow