Dear Misanthropes,
As you woke this morning, you may have noticed that a few things are different around your room. After weeks of you children ignoring our demands and constantly getting in the way of our war with the Woodland Fairies, we the gnomes, decided to take matters into our own hands.
While we know that trying to fight two wars at once is a bad idea, we the gnomes, have decided not to declare war with you, but instead to inform you that we have declared mischief on you. “What is mischief you might ask?”
I will tell you what it means. We have decided the best way to get your attention and to give in to our demands is to play mean tricks on you until you surrender and either leave or stay out of our way.
Now, at this moment you might be saying to yourself, “Ha, gnomes aren’t tall enough to reach our doors to get into our house.” And I would say to that, “Who said anything about needing to be tall to get into your house?”
Do you remember our brave warrior, Flingdring the Flattened? You terrible creatures turned Flingdring into a walking gnome pancake. After spending the required fifteen days and thirty-five minutes of complaining we discovered that Flingdring can fit under your front door.
What a glorious day it was when we found that after you had messed up so many things around our home that we could finally do the same to you. That is why as you wake up this morning you will discover that we have tied all of your shoelaces into knots. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, good luck untying gnomes knots. We can’t even untie them that is why every gnome carries scissors in their pocket.
You will also discover that we found your secret stash of bubblegum and chewed it all last night. We also had the gnome in our clan with the largest set of lungs, Waldorf the Windbag, blow a giant bubble with as many different flavors of your bubblegum that he could cram in his extremely large mouth. I hope that the floor of your bedroom will be sticky for many many days and that you enjoy your watermelon, strawberry, Cool Breeze, cola scented room.
Finally, we stole all of the erasers off your pencils. We the gnomes have no use for erasers except to sell them to the Pond Trolls in exchange for the algae that grows on the rocks of their land. Gnomes love algae because we use it to coat the branches of the trees where the Woodland Fairies live. When those flying ugly sweaters land on the branches of their home, they just slide right off. Nothing makes us happier than to watch the Woodland Fairies fall out of trees.
In closing we the gnomes, hope that now that you have seen what we are capable of, you will be willing to accept our demands. That is especially after you have to spend nineteen hours trying to untie your shoes. I guess that you will have to spend three days in bed crying because we chewed all of your bubblegum. We also hope that you enjoy the pressure of never being able to make a mistake again because we stole all of your erasers.
Don’t mess with us,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow