Dear Rats,
It seems that you children can’t understand the need to stay out of our way. We would have thought that you got the message after you woke up to giant watermelon, strawberry, grape, Cool Breeze, Banana Split, scented bubblegum bubble in the middle of your bedroom. Sadly, we were very wrong.
Our gnome spies, Seymork the Sneaky and Jeff, tell us that you children have started making friends in the neighborhood. We the gnomes don’t like making friends. Meeting new people is very painful for us. It gives us leg cramps and makes our tummies hurt. Once, long ago one of our gnomes, Bearslop the Bashful met a tree elf and it caused him to burp for a year. How would you like to burp for a solid year? Better yet, how would you like to listen to it? Our ears hurt so badly when that was over that we lost our hearing and were not able to hear the Woodland Fairies sneaking upon us to hug our entire clan. That was disgusting.
What is the most upsetting to us is that not only are you making friends, gross, but you have chosen to make friends with one of the greatest enemies of our proud gnome clan, Pansie! “Why O Betrand, do you not like the kind lady who wants to plant trees and flowers all over the neighborhood and give everyone a hug?”
I will tell you why! Number one, she is always happy. Everything is wonderful and beautiful to Pansie. She also loves to sing, loudly. There is just one problem, she is a terrible singer! Her voice is so soft and so sweet. Humans may enjoy this kind of singing, but we the gnomes do not. Soft and sweet voices make all gnomes’ heads hurt and cause us to not be able to see the color blue.
Gnome music is mostly shouting and having our trained raccoons bang trash cans. It is the best music of all time and there is no argument. Late at night if you ever hear a cat screeching in the middle of the night, it is not because it is fighting another cat. Have no fear it is just rocking out to the glory of gnome-music.
Pansie on the other hand can’t sing and must never be allowed to enter into our sacred lands. She is too happy and sings so terribly that the last time her voice was heard on our lands three of our warrior squirrels decided to move to Canada.
What is worse is that we happen to know the Pansie is friends with the Woodland Fairies! We have declared her a spy for the fairies and therefore, we order you to not be friends with her. If you do not listen to us, we will be forced to collect all of the half-eaten fish sandwiches that are thrown onto our land and put them in front of your door.
Tell her to get lost,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow