Dear Scoundrels,
It has recently come to our attention that your household is consorting with known enemies of the clans of the garden gnomes, tooth fairies! In particular, we have it on record that you people have entered into a contract for tooth removal with one Fantasia Perrywinkle and one Flutter Snickerbug. As the rightful owner and occupant of these lands, I feel it beneficial for you to know the history of these foul creatures.
Tooth fairies while not as vile and foolish as their Woodland Fairy cousins are despicable in their own right. We the gnomes, guardians of all decency, find these creatures’ obsession with human teeth to be quite unnerving. These beings break into the houses of humans while they sleep and steal their children’s teeth and you people tolerate this?
“Oh come now, o wise and gentle Betrand, these fairies celebrate our children’s growth into bigger humans by giving them a donation of money in exchange for their tooth. Isn’t it quite lovely?”
To which I would humbly respond, “Is it really?” This fact alone is a testament as to why humans must live in homes on our land for they are far too dumb to survive outside as we gnomes do. You all truly think the tooth fairies are your friends for stealing your children’s used teeth? That is quite amusing. Have any of you simpletons ever asked the most important question? What do these foul creatures do with the teeth?
My spies tell me that these cuspid criminals, these instigators of incisors, bandits of bicuspids, pirates of premolars, and molar miscreants do all sorts of unspeakable things with your children’s “recycled teeth.”
You would be pleased to know that they sell the teeth of your children as material for fairy patios. That’s right your darling Felicia’s first set of molars are now cemented as part of a foul fairy patio next to their swimming pool. Isn’t that a charming thought? A part of your child is now part of a tooth fairy’s entertaining.
Oh if that isn’t enough I am told that tooth fairies especially love the teeth that have holes in them. They use these teeth as windows or as peepholes in their doors. Isn’t that lovely? Caroline’s cavity that hurt so much is now used every day so that a vile fairy can enjoy the view from their treetop house?
They also use your children’s teeth as speed bumps in their villages. By doing this they have ruined our gnome mouse chariot races through their towns. This is despicable and we won’t stand for this any longer.
The most despicable thing these sinister beings do is trade your children’s teeth to our sworn enemies, the Woodland Fairies which they use to build walls to fend off our attacks. We have yet to find a way to get our rotten tomatoes and raccoon nuggets through these walls.
In light of your association with these cherishers of chompers, the fans of fangs, treasurers of tusks we humbly ask that you cease all further affiliation with tooth fairies. If not you will discover a trash bag full of dead skunks on your doorstep tomorrow. Please don’t try us we gnomes are experts at catching fart squirrels.
Regards,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Garden Gnome and a detester of all tooth fairies