Dear Hooligans,
We the gnomes are once again disgusted because our recent brilliant plan to cover the Woodland Fairies with all kinds of goo to the point that they would be so upset that they finally moved to Greenland somehow, failed. For this, we blame your Dad. It should be noted that we also blame the Woodland Fairies and even though we have it on good authority that he is on vacation in Florida right now, we also believe that Michael Westerholm III is to blame for our recent plan’s failure.
After the missile of mud and goo exploded on us in your tree house all of our clothes were ruined and we had to return to the most awful place in the world, the Enchanted Shopping mall. I don’t need to tell you how much we the gnomes despise this awful place. It is a collection of the most annoying fairy tale creatures that exist and it smells like cinnamon which as you may not know is considered a declaration of war to the noses of our noble clan.
We the gnomes thought for sure that this voyage to the Enchanted Shopping Mall would be much better because we had Sir Sloppy Joe and Goater with us to aid in our quest for the fastest trip possible. Boy, were we wrong.
As little time that we can spend in the Enchanted Shopping Mall the better. The Tree Elves that run place get on our nerves. First of all, they have Elves at the front entrance there to “welcome” our noble clan when we walk in. This of course is unacceptable! Gnomes do not want to be welcome anywhere. If we the gnomes felt welcome anywhere then we might actually get comfortable and not be prepared to do battle with the Woodland Fairies at a moment’s notice. Even more importantly, if a gnome ever got comfortable then they would not be able to complain. This, all gnomes find, unacceptable.
You might think that this is a little extreme, but you should know that we the gnomes don’t “welcome” each other when our noble clans visit one another. In fact, when we gnomes have visitors the first question we ask of them is, “What do you want? Why are you here?” “You brought your own food right?” “Would you mind sleeping outside?” And finally, “Are you sure that you can’t leave sooner?”
This time we thought for sure that riding into the mall on Goater’s back with Sir Sloppy Joe standing on his head would cause the Tree Elves to let us pass freely, but this is not what happened at all. When the Tree Elf at the front door saw Goater they were “happy” to see him and began talking to him.
Let me tell you that we love Goater because he drives the Woodland Fairies crazy, but if you get him started talking you better have a mushroom garlic sandwich or another snack because he will talk to anyone for like six hours. “How are you Mr. Tree elf? I see you holding that door open. Would you like to hear how I invented doors?”
This went on and on and on. The only thing that stopped Goater from talking was when a Woodland Fairy flew past and heard him. It distracted her to the point that she crashed into the cinnamon bun shop by the front door. That fairy will have icing in her ears for weeks. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
We the gnomes took this opportunity to move quickly to the only store that sells grey and brown in the Enchanted Shopping mall. The tree elves who sell us clothes were so surprised to see a talking sandwich that they stood staring at Sir Sloppy Joe for like an hour. This was terrible for us because we wanted to get out of that place, fast. Then after this, they decided to ask us about our feelings or if we wanted something called “accessories.” I don’t have to go into detail about what feelings the gnomes have because I have tried to educate you before. You should know that we had to use a sparkling something from the tree elf store to tie Goater’s mouth shut because he does have feelings and boy does he want to talk about them.
This was the longest trip to the mall, ever. The Woodland Fairies wouldn’t stop trying to hug us and they all wanted to talk about how magical it was to have a talking sandwich. No, what would be magical is if they just let us be. Plus the Flower Sprites all made us sneeze because we gnomes are allergic to happiness.
Thankfully we the gnomes have finally returned home from the Enchanted Shopping Mall and while the trip took far too long we are freshly dressed in our favorite colors brown and grey. We are now ready to make another brilliant plan to defeat the Woodland Fairies. We are sure this next one will be a winner…we hope.
Because we are quite certain that this new plan will be our greatest, we demand that your dad take a vacation to Antarctica for like…three years. We don’t need that guy hanging around and messing up our plans. Also, we think Michael Westerholm III should go with him. If those dudes leave town, victory will be ours for sure.
Tell Your Dad to Hit the Bricks,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
p.s. If you notice a red and white chair in your yard, just leave it there. Goater fell in love with it at the mall and thinks it is his girlfriend. He has named it, Chairy.