Dear Troublemakers,
Do you know what the worst part of living at the edge of a magical forest filled with fairies is? Well, I will tell you. Every time it rains there is a rainbow in the sky. We don’t know how the Woodland Fairies made this happen, but we are sure they did.
Do you know what makes it worse? Having two mini-humans who run outside every single time there is a rainbow in the sky and shout “Yay, it is another rainbow. It is so beautiful and did you know we have bubblegum where our brains should be?” Well, you might not say that part, but we the gnomes believe this to be the truth.
As much as we can’t stand rainbows because the Woodland Fairies also come out of the forest to play and celebrate as you children do, there is something way worse than one rainbow. You might ask, “O, noble Betrand, what could be more terrible than a rainbow in the sky?”
Well, I will tell you what is worse than one rainbow, and that is when there is a double rainbow! Why is that a big deal? The magic of a double rainbow opens a doorway to creatures that get on our nerves as much or even more than the Woodland Fairies, and Leprechauns!
Again, you might say, “There are Leprechauns that come to visit, how magical!” Let me assure you, this is not magical, it is awful. All of you humans think that Leprechauns are all about happiness, marshmallows, and pots of gold.
So why don’t we just start there? Leprechauns are friendly and they are always so happy to see us. They think that because we are all the same size, we are part of the same family. This could not be further from the truth. Gnomes hate green, we don’t like singing and dancing, and we gnomes love being miserable, not happy.
Then there is the issue with the marshmallows. Those creatures like to throw them around everywhere. They believe that every creature loves bright-colored sugar-coated fluff. We do not! Plus when those dudes arrive they throw those marshmallows all over our land and think it is a party. Well, guess who has to pick up those candy-coated shapes of yuck? We do the noble gnomes.
The last time those foul Leprechauns showed up to bring happiness, Flingdring the Flattened and the gnome formerly known as Mr. Mc Bing Bang had to spend like sixty-five hours picking up those unlucky charms. What is worse it is not like we can shoot those sugary things at the Fairies because they would think we were giving them candy and try to do something nice for us.
Then there is the pot of gold that all of you humans talk about. You children think, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could find a pot of gold we would be rich?” Do you really think so? Would you like to know what is really in the pot of gold?
One time Slearpork the Sneaky and Jeff went to the end of the rainbow to find a pot of gold. We thought for sure we could use the money to buy a rocket to send all of the Woodland Fairies and Leprechauns into Outer Space. What made our plan even better was the fact that we took the pot of gold from the worst Leprechaun ever, Paddy O’Hoolihan! That guy is the worst! He walks around all day long saying, “Top of the morning to you. This is super weird, especially at night. It’s like those cheery creatures don’t own watches.”
We the Gnomes believed that stealing Paddy O’Hoolihans’ treasure would be the greatest triumph ever. That was until we discovered that the pot of gold those Leprechauns carry around is really just chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. We the gnomes despise all things sweet so we had no use for this chocolate. This was terrible and why we don’t like rainbows and most of all, Leprechauns!
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? We the gnomes don’t know and wish you would stop asking and or singing about this awful event that brings terribly happy creatures that have no idea what time of day it is to the point that they are constantly wishing people a good morning at night!
Rainbows and Leprechauns…ugh,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
p.s. Since we had no use for the chocolate coins and we were mad that we weren’t rich and that the Woodland Fairies were not in outer space, there was only one thing to do. We hid all of the chocolate coins in your Dad’s pants’ pockets and socks. We also added some of the marshmallows we picked up too because we were really mad. This was quite a mess when he washed his clothes. Your Mom was soooo mad at him. We hope he enjoys sleeping in the basement.