Unwelcome to the Neighborhood

Six years ago my family and I moved into an old farmhouse that is now located in the heart of the suburbs. Not long after settling into our new home, we received our first letter from Betrand G. Fizzywillow. This message was stuck to our door with an old piece of gum and a brochure about moving to New Zealand. This letter informed us that we were trespassing onto the sacred land of the gnomes and that we should leave quickly or be prepared to face ridiculous consequences such as a yard full of cooked spaghetti noodles (That actually took much longer to clean up than one might imagine.)

Now, we frequently receive letters from Betrand, the chief of the gnomes, and are occasionally given what he calls, “Leave Now Gifts!” Never in our wildest imagination could our family believe that fairytale creatures actually exist or that any could be as cranky as Betrand G. Fizzywillow.

This was the very first letter we ever received from our not-so-friendly neighbor.

Dear Interlopers:
It is quite customary when a new family moves into the neighborhood for those living in the area to extend them a welcome. I, however, am not customary at all! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Betrand G. Fizzywillow and I am the chief of the garden gnomes who have lived on the land where what you humans call a house resides.

Let me, first of all, say, “YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!” For centuries we have lived on these lands in peace. That was of course until humans decided this area was a “lovely place for a neighborhood.” I assure you, IT IS NOT!!!!!!!!!

The previous residents of your home unknowingly built their house on our land and were kind enough to put what you call a “home” directly between our lands and the enchanted forest where our mortal enemies dwell the Woodland Fairies. And in so doing these humans stuck their noses right in the middle of our century’s long war with these party hats with wings.

I know right now you children reading this letter are thinking, “Wow, how amazing that fairies really exist. I hope they do something magical for us!” Let me tell you, it isn’t “amazing” that these miserable creatures exist, it is quite the opposite.

You, humans, think fairies are beautiful and fly around sharing kindness with the world. Guess what? They don’t! You know what fairies do? They are constantly happy regardless of the day or the weather. These “things” also like to sing all of the time! Do you know how hard it is to train badgers for war when there is happy music going on?

Back to what I was saying, you are not welcome here. In fact, allow me to officially ask you to flee our lands and never return. If you refuse to do so, my clan and I will reluctantly tolerate your presence on two conditions.
One, stay away from the giant tree in the middle of your front yard, this is our home! Do not plant pretty flowers around it or do anything to make feel more, “homey.” We like it old and ugly just like it is. And never ever attempt to do something about what the previous occupants of your home called, “that smell.” We like it that way!

In closing as interlopers on our land please be prepared to receive letters from me from time to time with my newest demands. I will at times use big words to share my big feelings. If you don’t know a word, then look it up! Use that stuff that floats through the air with the Woodland Fairies known as “Wiffy.” Or better yet use your Goggles! I don’t understand why you humans need Goggles for everything anyways, what is wrong with your eyes?!

I digress, once again, you are not welcome here, and please leave immediately. If you refuse, do what I say or else. Please receive our offering of your son’s now flattened basketball as a token of our frustration. And yes those are real porcupine quills in the ball. They were shot by our porcupine, Quilliam the Annoyed. Try to stay on his good side.
Leave Now,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief Garden Gnome and Lord of the Lousy