Dear Fiends,
We the gnomes are “so thrilled” that you and your family are adjusting to living on our land. It has come to our attention that the place where you once lived did not have the joy of winter.
Winter is the season of the year that we gnomes love the best, for it is the time of year when we make war against the Woodland Fairies. Finally, after months of plotting, training badgers, and tricking chipmunks into serving as our decoys in attacks, our hard work pays off. It is a glorious time when we get to wipe the smiles off of the faces of the Woodland Fairies, one goofy grin at a time.
That was of course until you children came to town and began disrupting our plans with winter celebrations of your own. What detestable practice is it that you children have adopted to interfere with our plans?
You humans and your obsession with snow is the problem. As I said before we gnomes are glad that you humans have finally gotten to experience the glory of winter, but we demand that you cease and desist in the making of snowmen.
“Why o why Betrand, must we stop making snowmen? After all don’t you know that children love to build snowmen and make pretend they are real?”
I will tell you why you must stop making these snow creatures. What you children “pretend” in the daytime becomes a reality at night. You see, the Woodland Fairies love winter too because they enjoy flying over the homes of human children and bringing snowmen to life at night while you sleep.
“How marvelous and wonderful,” you might also say. Well, I can assure you it is not wonderful or pleasant at all. The moment these snowmen come to life they find the nearest gnome and talk ALL NIGHT LONG!
“What do snowmen talk about?” Well, the answer is that most of what comes out of the mouth of a newly living snowman is nothing short of nonsense and foolishness. The first thing these dimwits want to do is tell us their life stories. Which, should not surprise you doesn’t take very long BECAUSE THEY JUST CAME TO LIFE!
Yet, all night long they talk about how they just came to life and how wonderful it is to be alive. They pester us over and over again. Then they do the one thing we gnomes hate most of all. They start ASKING US QUESTIONS! Gnomes hate questions unless it is, “Would you like to help me attack the Woodland Fairies?”
It is next to impossible to capture the foxes that live at the edge of the woods to use for carrying all of our weapons of war against the Woodland Fairies such as old bubblegum sticks from baseball card packs and rotten eggs when there are annoying snowmen following us around talking all night long.
Therefore, we the gnomes don’t want to build a snowman. More importantly, we demand that you never make a snowman again! If you refuse our request, be prepared to continue to find all of your extension cords and your neighbor’s space heater in the middle of your yard with large puddles around them. Yes, that is right, we the gnomes, are prepared to melt your snowmen and run up your electricity bill if we are ignored.
We mean business,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow