Dear Mongrels,
I am writing yet again to further voice my frustration with the way you “children” have chosen to celebrate winter. As I have stated before, we the gnomes love winter for it is the season of war against the Woodland Fairies. This is the moment we long for all year for it is the time when we see just how well the Fairies can sing happy songs while they tremble in fear.
This is the moment when all of our hard work finally pays off. Winter makes every rotten apple core we have collected from you humans’ compost piles finally pay off. Every scratch and bite mark from training squirrels to climb into the homes of Woodland Fairies and leave dried-up chewing gum on their kitchen tables worth it.
While we still insist that you are trespassing on our land, we are grateful that you humans brought tons of what you call cardboard with you when moved into your house. We the gnomes have been working hard to steal as much of this cardboard as we can out of your recycle bins at night to construct a large sled to ride to war against the Woodland Fairies.
Two days ago when the glorious white stuff known as snow fell from the sky we were even more delighted because the hill behind your “house” is perfect for sledding. For centuries we gnomes have built many sleds that we rode down this hill into the magical forest where the Woodland Fairies live. We have often loaded down our sleds with rocks so that when it crashed into the trees where the Fairies live they would all come tumbling out into the snow. This is quite enjoyable for us.
For once we thought we might have to write you a thank you letter because you children used your big sleds to make a track for our war sled down the hill making our path to victory that much easier. This posed a great challenge for us because gnomes don’t write thank you letters and we never say thank you at all.
Suddenly the idea crossed our minds that we would have to travel to visit the Great Gnomes of the North and consult the greatest scholar of our people, Milton the Muddled, to discover how to write a Thank You note. I thought I was going to have to be, gulp, nice to you for once.
Well, that was until we loaded down our sled with all of the used gum we have scraped off park benches all summer long along with the giant ball we made out of all the food wrappers that other humans had tossed out of their car windows onto our sacred land and started down the hill towards the glory of battle. As we neared the bottom of the hill, we discovered that you miserable mini-humans had built a ramp to launch yourself in the air.
Now, this is most likely fun because you humans don’t go very high in the air on these ramps due to your size. However, when the Grand Army of the Gnomes hit the ramp in our sled we were all launched out of the sled into space and came crashing down into the snow.
Our sled was destroyed and our giant food wrapper ball rolled down the hill into a large snowball that the Woodland Fairies then flew out of the forest and brought to life. This giant snow-head talked all night long and even recited poetry. Do you know what kind of poetry a giant talking snow-head comes up with? IT IS TERRIBLE!!!
What is even worse is that one of our brave warriors, Furtwurst the Flatulent, broke his arm in the crash. The Woodland Fairies have always feared the force of this gnome and now thanks to you his strength is lopsided for the time being. I hope you both feel happy about knocking the wind out of this noble gnome.
In return for your “kindness” of building a ramp at the bottom of the sled track please enjoy your two sleds which we have frozen in blocks of ice to express our feelings about this utter defeat.
This is not over,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow