Dear Squatters,
Do you children have any idea how loud you talk? We the gnomes do not understand how two children are so loud as you run across our sacred lands. All gnomes appreciate great war cries as we attack the Woodland Fairies, but you two are so LOUD ALL OF THE TIME!
The only time we gnomes are as loud you two is when we are going into battle or having a family reunion. In case you were wondering what that is like, it is mostly yelling and complaining. Gnome family gatherings always begin by talking about the things that are most upsetting to other members of the family.
For the first hour, we talk about how much older each other looks and how tight their clothes fit these days. That always goes over very well. Then we like to complain about all of the extra hair we notice that is growing out of each others’ ears and noses. Finally, the event ends with seeing who can throw the clan hedgehog, Leadbrang the lead-bottomed the farthest. He is a rather large hedgehog so everyone is sore afterward.
Still, you two make so much noise when you are “playing” outside that we gnomes can’t sleep through the day. If we can’t sleep through the day, then we can’t tend to our crop of magical memory mushrooms.
“Magical memory mushrooms?” You might ask. We gnomes don’t grow these mushrooms so that we can remember all of the things that we need to complain about. Gnomes have an excellent memory when it comes to the things that annoy them. The memory mushrooms don’t help you remember things at all. They are magical because you lose your memory for a little while if you eat one or get hit by one as you are flying through the sky. So basically these are mushrooms are weapons against the Woodland Fairies and the lone outcast from our clan, Hearbork the Hungry.
We kicked Hearbork out of our clan because he ate all of our carrot pudding and porcupine pie that we were saving for our victory celebration of once again ruining the Woodland Fairies’ day. When the battle was won, our grand army returned home to find all of our dishes empty and Hearbork taking a nap. For this, he had to go. So now anytime he comes to try and rejoin our clan we feed him a mushroom. He then forgets where he is and we always tell him that he belongs to the kite gnomes on the other side of the forest. So basically we tell him to go fly a kite.
The magical mushrooms are also useful in hitting the Woodland Fairies as they fly over our lands at night trying to spread magical dust that will make everyone happy. This, as you might imagine, annoys us so fire these mushrooms at the fairies, and when they get hit they forget who they are. We gnomes are always glad to tell them that they are not fairies and that are geese who were flying south for the winter. They usually get all of the way to Florida before they remember who they are.
So you see, these magical mushrooms are a great source of joy for our gnome clan. However, we can’t grow them properly if we don’t get enough rest during the day. With that in mind, we the gnomes demand that you not play outside while it is light outside. We require you to remain indoors playing on your Ippeds and watching your tub.
If you don’t do as we say, we will pelt both of you with a magical mushroom. Then we will tell you that you are ducks. Would you like to quack like a duck for half a day? We didn’t think so!
Shhhhhh,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow