Dear Trespassers,
We would like to announce that it is time for you to have your little white dog’s teeth cleaned. Last night while we were out tending to our mushrooms and enchanting rocks so that when the Woodland Fairies sit on them they render them silent your dog accosted us. It is a little known fact about our kind, but we despise dogs especially little white ones that breathe on us when we are seen.
The smell that came from that creature smelled worse than the bog of shame and the land of perpetual farts. Both of these places are where we hope to one day send all of the Woodland Fairies, that is if we catch them. Because of your creature we had to burn our clothes and buy new ones. Here is a little-known fact Gnomes hate shopping!
First of all, there are no stores in the Enchanted Shopping Mall that only sell clothes for gnomes. This means that we the gnomes have to go out and be among other fairytale creatures. I don’t know if you have figured this out by now, but gnomes don’t play well with others.
True, we like the Pond Trolls, but that is mostly because they make things that are gross and useful in our epic struggle against the Woodland Fairies. Freeway Orgres aren’t so bad either, but that is because they share our love of complaining. I mean, if you lived under noisy human roads that constantly interrupted your ability to take a nap, you would be cranky too. This is why we are friends! Still, they only have to deal with cars and we have to deal with fairies, ugh.
As much as we like Pond Trolls and Freeway Ogres guess what? They don’t hang out at the Enchanted Mall. At the mall, there is nothing but Tree Elves, Flowers Sprites, and of course Woodland Fairies. So any time we gnomes have to go shopping it is stressful.
Thanks to your little white dog we had to go back to this awful place that smells of something called pretzels and “happiness.” Do you know how difficult it is to buy clothes from elves and fairies? They are so happy and always try to get gnomes to buy these weird things called accessories. We don’t know what that is, but we are pretty sure we don’t like them. Then after we find what we need they always put a flower in our beards or worse, smile at us.
After this awful experience we the gnomes, request that your dog either be muzzled outside or have its teeth cleaned soon. The smell is atrocious and if it is not remedied post haste we will have no choice, but to retaliate by leaving troll dung on your doorstep. If possible we would like to avoid this unpleasantness, but we are the Gnomes and we will be treated with dignity!
Signed,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Disgruntled and Bestunk Gnome.