Dear Mini-Humans,
Congratulations! We have decided that not everything about your presence on our sacred lands is terrible. Well, most of it is and we still want you to leave. However, if you must stay we will tolerate you and your family as long as your dogs continue to work with us in our quest to defeat the Woodland Fairies.
What you don’t know is that when your dogs are out roaming around our land sniffing this and smelling that we have made friends with your dogs. At first, we enjoyed watching your big black dog chase the deer off of our land. This was particularly fun for us because your big black dog is much slower than the deer. It was great fun watching her almost crash into a tree several times.
One day she was running through the field and almost squashed three of our brave warriors. The only way for them not to end up like Flingdring the Flattened was to grab hold of the side of her as she ran by. These three brave warriors discovered that when they held on to your big black dog that they were invisible to the Woodland Fairies.
That night we began bribing your dog with bowls of the stew we gnomes enjoy every meal. It is a vile bowl of gruel and berries. It is terrible and we eat it cold. The only thing it is good for us to complain about it. This is why the gnomes love it because as you know by now complaining for a gnome is like breathing. Apparently, your dog has no taste buds because she eats every last bite and then tries to eat some of our gnome’s bowls as well.
Because of the stew, your big dog has agreed to allow us to ride on the side of her while we use our slingshots to pelt the Woodland Fairies with the stink berries that grow behind your school. Your big dog, I believe you call Trixie, is a great camouflage for us. Several nights in a row we have succeeded in hitting three fairies with the stink berries. We the gnomes rejoice at this because those foul creatures smell that way for at least three days. This is a great victory for us.
The little white dog we did not like at all at first because as you will remember her breath stinks! The more we watched your little white dog the more we noticed that she is very sneaky and we even watched her catch one of the chipmunks that the tree elves use to pull their wagons full of acorns through the forest. The greatest thing about your little dog is that she has a bad attitude, we the gnomes love that!
This little white fluffy creature that you call, Katie, is truly gnome material. We will allow you to stay as long you agree that Trixie and Katie are friends of the gnome clan. You must also allow them to assist us in our attacks against the Woodland Fairies. Please accept this magical hamburger as a token of our thanks for the use of your beasts. We the gnomes found this hamburger on the edge of our lands ten years ago. It looks the same and has not turned funny colors and it does have a foul odor like the other human food that we sto…I mean found.
Errr… Many Thanks?
Betrand G. Fizzywillow