Dear Instigators,
Why are you children so happy now? We gnomes hear you outside all of the time talking about how wonderful it is that you can play outside again because it is getting warmer. Do you not realize that it means that winter is almost over? The most glorious time of the year is at its end and our time for our great battles with the Woodland Fairies has come to an end?
Well, to be honest, they really haven’t. Winter is when we attempt to win our war, but we never really give up on making those dreadful creatures miserable. It is just easier to do when it is cold and snowy. Also we the gnomes find spring to be disgusting.
Do you know why gnomes hate springtime so much? Well, I will tell you. First of all, the Woodland Fairies all come out of the forest and fly over all of the trees singing to wake them up. We gnomes can’t stand this because we find their songs to be the dumbest thing we have ever heard. I mean honestly why would anyone sing to a tree to wake it up. It is a well-known fact that trees have to be shaken awake.
The other thing that is so awful about spring is when the trees do wake up is they start blooming. Oh, you might say, “Well O grand and wise Betrand, spring is so beautiful.”
To which I would reply, “Not if you have allergies as gnomes do.” Gnome allergies are so bad that we sneeze for forty-five days. If you ever hear a loud sound at night, that is not a big truck it is all of the gnomes blowing their noses at once. One of our brave gnomes Neebly the Nose Blaster once blew his nose with such great power that he was blasted to South America. It took him six years to get home. Gnome allergies are terrible and Spring is the worst time for it!
Finally, we the gnomes can’t stand listening to the fairies or all of you humans talk about how lovely all of the “colors” of Spring are. There is only one lovely color and that is gray! We gnomes love the color gray because it is the color of the sky in winter. Gray is also the best color to complain about, something we gnomes do best.
So we the gnomes kindly ask you to stop celebrating Spring. It is not joyful it is terrible. We recommend complaining about how soon it will be Summer that always helps us. By the way, you need more tissues. You children didn’t lose them, Flindring the Flattened snuck in and relocated them to our tree. Trust me, you don’t want them back now.
Aaah Choooo,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow