Dear Villains,
I am once again writing to express my extreme displeasure with your most recent intrusion onto our lands. We find your most recent act the vilest yet. It is Fall and every one of your kind is so excited. The leaves are changing, it’s apple season, and there is pumpkin spice everything…Yipee.
While gnomes do appreciate fall because the air is colder and it is near our favorite season, winter. We don’t love this time because of songs or celebrations. Gnomes may all have beards, but we are not Santa Claus. No, winter is the time of year when we renew our war with the Woodland Fairies.
Fall is important because it is when we make our plans of attack for the next season. As you small-minded people may have figured out by now our war must be plotted in secret. And now thanks to your fall celebration this is now impossible.
You humans all insist on placing pumpkins everywhere around your property. Gnomes hate pumpkins! We hate everything about them. We don’t like their colors. To display orange and yellow around one’s home is one of the highest insults that can be expressed to gnomes. In our land, this practice is done to say another gnome, “Hey you, we don’t like you. We think you stink and our dislike of you is so great we want to suggest you look at the color orange until your brain melts.”
Furthermore, we hate pumpkins because our sworn enemies the Woodland Fairies love to use them as their vacation homes. We work very hard to keep these foul creatures out of our land. As I said, as fall comes we are readying for war with these animals, these sugary singers of ugh.
While we are readying to destroy these foul beasts the last thing we want is them vacationing on our lands. But you humans and your pumpkins, it’s like to you take great joy in our pain and discomfort. The leaves change and suddenly out comes all of your pumpkins. Along with them, here come the Woodland Fairies and their vile stupid songs of what they call “joy.”
Gnomes don’t know any kind of joy except that from standing triumphant over our fallen foes. Yet, that is next to impossible because you humans put out pumpkins, and then you do something even more despicable, you carve windows into them. This ridiculous practice makes these pumpkins ideal vacation space for our enemies.
You display your pumpkins and the Woodland Fairies move in. Then soon after they move into their vacation spots they start hosting parties. They even do insane things like setting out fake mailboxes and fake pink flamingoes. Then all of them start to sing stupid songs about leaves and fall.
As we hear these assaults on our auditory senses all we want to do is hope that all of the pumpkins will fall off of your porches and roll into the flower garden in the hopes that a puerile troll will crush the pumpkin and its fairy guest.
I wish I could go into further detail concerning foul pumpkins and the even more despicable Woodland Fairies, however, this letter has dragged on and has cost me serious planning time of how we hope to drag all of the Woodland Fairies off of our land and throw them into the great Vortex of Snot.
With that, I shall leave with the humble request to remove all pumpkins from our sacred lands. If you do not heed our command we will train our squirrels and chipmunks to knock every pumpkin muffin and pumpkin spice latte out of your hands before you can taste them.
Listen or else!
Betrand G. Fizzwillow
Disgruntled and Annoyed