Dear Troublemakers,
We the gnomes demand to know why is it that every time it is windy that humans think to themselves, “Wow, the wind is really blowing. Wouldn’t it be nice if we put a piece of string on a piece of cloth or plastic and then put it in the air until it crashed into the ground? Then we could do it, again and again, all day long.”
I have no idea what is wrong with you children and why you love kites so much? Don’t you realize that kites are one of the items most despised by our clan? Gnomes can’t stand kites because they are usually made of colorful material and when a human flies one of these infernal things the Woodland Fairies are drawn to them.
For some reason, those fetid flying fluffernutters think any time there is a kite in the air they are being invited to a party. Woodland Fairies love parties and for some strange reason, a kite floating in the air is a party to these foul floaters. It disgusts us when they all fly out of the forest to “party” mostly because it means that they are going to sing yet another one of their songs that is so bad that it gives us gnomes bald spots in our beards.
A gnome’s beard is precious to him. We first grow our beards when we are two years old. If a gnome hasn’t grown a beard by the time they are three years old they must wear a bag over their heads with two holes cut out for eyes. That is until they grow a beard and if they never do the bag stays for life! I once knew a gnome known only as Bag Head because he had no beard. He was not popular.
Gnomes make sure that their beards are the perfect length and that they are useful for several things. First of all, gnomes make sure that their beards grow to their waist so that they catch all of the food that falls out of our mouths while we are complaining while we eat. This is important because gnomes get hungry very often and if our beards are long enough to catch our food then we know we will always have a snack handy.
Secondly, gnomes’ beards are kept long so that they pick up plenty of leaves and dirt while we are crawling on the ground hunting for slugs to put in the Woodland Fairies’ socks. This is important because the dirtier our beards are the better we can disguise ourselves in the enchanted forest while we are sneaking into the homes of the Woodland Fairies to “deliver” the slugs.
So do you realize how much attention you draw to the Woodland Fairies when you fly your “kites?” Stop it. Worst of all the other day when you children were flying your kite several of our brave gnome warriors got caught in the tail of your kite shortly before it took off.
Thanks to you Drimdrum and the gnome formerly known as Mr. McBing Bang were flung into the air and ended up flying into the homes of one of the Woodland Fairies. This was a terrifying experience for our brave warriors! Do you realize that the Woodland Fairies tried to feed our brave warriors….cookies? Ugh.
Stop flying kites!!! We the gnomes want to keep our beards and no gnome should ever have to eat a Woodland Fairy cookie! Those foul beings are terrible bakers and besides, they only make Oatmeal Raisin cookies! Offering a gnome an Oatmeal Raisin cookie is the highest insult ever.
Find another hobby now! If you do not stop flying your kite immediately we will be forced to gather up all of the Woodland Fairies’ awful cookies and fill your pillowcases with them. Would you like to go to sleep every night with the foul stench of the world’s worst cookie? I didn’t think so!
Let’s not fly a kite,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes and Detester of Kites