Dear Rabble Rousers,
Just what exactly do you think you are doing? It has come to our attention that you and your parents have decided to “clean up the place.” For years we gnomes have been growing the best garden of stink weeds and crabgrass than any other fairytale creatures.
Now you might say, “O wise and gentle Bertrand, those weeds smell bad and the crabgrass makes our home look terribly ugly.” To which I would say, “Exactly!”
We gnomes pride ourselves on having the ugliest and most unwelcoming homes in all the land. There are several reasons why we want our homes to be ugly. As usual, this begins with our great love of complaining. The nicer our lands, the less we would have to gripe about. It is a well-known fact that gnomes need a good twelve to fifteen hours of complaining before they can get a decent day’s rest.
Secondly, if our lands were nice and well-kept then other creatures would want to “visit us.” Gnomes don’t like visitors at all. When people come to visit they expect you to do nice things for them like have food for them to eat and not ask for money from them to sleep on the ground outside your home. They also want you to talk to them and visitors don’t like it when we tie their shoes together or put peanut butter on their faces while they sleep so that the squirrels will pester them as they rest.
The uglier our lands are, the less likely other creatures are to ask if they can have a sleepover at our house. Do you know who loves sleepovers? The Woodland Fairies, that’s who. They love to stay up late “talking” and they even braid each other’s hair. Woodland Fairies also love to eat foods at these sleepovers that make them happy. Gnomes don’t like being happy, we love to be miserable. How else would we be able to complain?
Finally, the smellier our lands are the faster the Woodland Fairies will fly past our lands. We want them to stay out! So we the gnomes request that you stop “cleaning the place up.” Don’t make it any nicer. However, if you want to make the place worse, we gnomes are happy to help. It has been a long time since Jeff and the gnome formerly known as Mr. McBing Bang have stolen a garbage truck and quite frankly, they need the practice. The Freeway Ogres are always happy to share old tires, rusty nails, and their large collection of traffic cones if you want some.
So we the gnomes demand that you stop “cleaning up the place” for good. If you don’t listen to us, Crabapple the Computer literate will sell all of your garden tools are the thing you humans call the “splinternet.”
Keep it crummy,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes and Lover of the Lousy