Dear Menaces,
It seems that you children have finally discovered our deepest darkest secret. Long ago on one of many winter attacks in the Enchanted Forest, one of our young gnome warriors got lost. It took some time for us to notice that she was missing, but after forty-five years we finally discovered that we had lost a gnome in the forest.
I know what you are thinking, “Oh wow, you gnomes took that long?”
Well, I will have you know that gnomes are known for misplacing things and it is a well-known gnome fact that some of our kind are born with a terrible sense of direction. One of our tribes set out long ago to buy some milk from a nearby farm and ended up settling in Alaska. They are known today as the “Eski-gnomes.”
Again you might say, “O Bertrand, how terrible that one of your tribes wandered all of the way to Alaska.”
Those gnomes were annoying anyways. They were not the best at complaining and sometimes the food they made actually tasted good. It is really hard to be in a bad mood if you have eaten good food. Gnomes do their best to avoid good food because you eat one good meal and all of the sudden you notice how blue the sky is or worse yet, you think about writing a poem. So when those gnomes wandered off to Alaska, it was no big loss for us. They got on our nerves and worse yet, they were huggers.
The reason we call this lost gnome our deepest darkest secret is because to our shame this lost member of our tribe was raised by our greatest enemies, the Woodland Fairies. All gnomes pride themselves on having cranky names and foul dispositions. Sadly this “gnome” that was raised by the Fairies is always in a good mood and her name is…Sunny.
There are so many things wrong with her name, “Sunny.” Plus she is so cheerful that she dances and sings at the edge of the forest. Did we mention that she loves the Woodland Fairies? Anytime that we launch one of our attacks on those perpetually happy glitter bombs she always sends us a letter asking us to stop. You might think, “Finally, some small piece of evidence that she is actually a gnome.” This is where you would be wrong because her notes are always….nice. Plus she always puts stickers on them!
Gnomes hate hate hate hate hate stickers! This is especially true of Woodland Fairy stickers because they are always cheerful and have happy messages. So in the minds of all gnomes stickers are like hugs that well…stick to things. We can’t stand this at all.
Worse than the thank you notes, Sunny always invites us to brunch on the weekends. We don’t know what brunch is, but we are quite certain that we would not like it one bit. Mostly, because we know that Woodland Fairies would be there and they too would want to give us hugs.
So in the name of all that is terrible and rotten in the world, we ask that you not speak or associate with Sunny. She is a walking bag of sugar, spice, and all that is wrong with the Woodland Fairies. Trust me no one should be friends with someone whose clothes are so loud they have to put new batteries in them all of the time. Speak to her at your own peril.
Be Warned,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes