Dear Swamp Rats,
We the gnomes have yet another mission for you. This is not optional. It will soon be time to go to war with the Woodland Fairies once again! This time we will win…we think. We the gnomes have decided that if you insist on continuing to squat on our lands you will assist us in gathering the supplies we need for the fight ahead.
Slearpork the Sneaky and Flingdring the Flattened have been following you and your “parents” as they escort you to your temporary jail each day. I believe that you “children” call it a “school.” We the gnomes call it a jail because there are fences and locked doors everywhere. Plus you “children” always are so sad to go to school and so happy when you are finally allowed to return home at the end of each day.
In the mind of the gnomes, this is jail. Plus we have observed that you are only allowed outside at certain times of day at this place. How terrible that must be? We the gnomes love being outside. It is after all the best place to find disgusting things to shoot, fling, or pelt the Woodland Fairies with.
They make us sick because they float above your family each day as you walk to school singing songs about all of the “wonderful” things you will learn at this wretched place. They even plant little pockets of “joy” for you to walk through because they think it will make your day better.
Do you know what makes a gnome’s day better? Woodland Fairies, sad, covered in some sort of goo or grossed out by having the smell of one of our canned Moose farts unleashed in their home. That is our pocket of joy.
On their many trips to spy on you miserable creatures, Slearpork and Flingdring have observed that there is a foul and terrible smelling place at your school known as the Catfeetrium. Our spies have observed that each day several people with body odor equivalent to our feet carry out large bags of disgusting human food items such as something you call squarizza and an item that is supposed to be matballs.
We the gnomes are delighted to discover that there is a ready supply of foul items such as these. All of this gross stuff will make excellent weapons to redecorate the homes or the faces of the Woodland Fairies with.
Each day you will bring us a bag of the food from your Catfeetrium for our war efforts or we will feed our newest gnome brother Flemsnoot the Flatulent all of the beans in your pantry and then let him camp in your house. Trust us if we let Flemsnoot lose you will have to burn all of your clothes. So please don’t try us.
We demand the square pizza,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes and Gatherer of Goop