Dear Vagabonds,
We the gnomes believe there has been some misunderstanding. You “children” were instructed to bring us large bags of slop from your Catfeetrium at your school / jail. Much to our dismay you only brought a few scraps that were stuck to your shoe.
Even though you have not done as we asked we the gnomes had a backup plan. While Slearpok the Sneaky and Flingdring the Flattened were watching to see what amazing treasures we might receive from you I sent in our secret weapon to your Catfeetrium to get supplies for our army. That’s right we the gnomes have sent, Jeff.
No one ever expects Jeff and that is why he was able to sneak into the Catfeetrium and steal what we are told you humans call spaghetti, peanut butter, and tuna fish. There was so much that he was not able to carry it all. Thankfully, you left your locker open so he put all of the spaghetti, peanut butter, and tuna in your backpack.
We also enjoyed the look on your “Dad’s” face when he opened your backpack. The smell was so bad that it knocked him on his hiney. Ha, ha, ha. By the way, do you know what one of the gnomes’ favorite words is? Hiney, it is fun to say. Also, can anyone say “Tuna surprise?” We bet your Dad can now. It was a surprise to us that he fell over, that was our favorite part.
What was even better was that your Mom blamed your Dad for your backpack being messy and said he should be more careful carrying it home. We the gnomes laughed and laughed at that ugly, hairy guy. Maybe next time he will think twice about raking our glorious leaves.
When we the gnomes are not thinking of yet another brilliant way to attack the Woodland Fairies, we love to find ways to mess with your Dad. Hiding his keys is one of our favorites and opening the magical machine that makes your clothes dry so it will look like he forgot to start it…again. We would torment your “Dad” more often, but then we wouldn’t have time to load our catapults with the spaghetti and peanut butter so that we are ready the next time a Woodland Fairy floats over our lands.
This is a good start to our plans for the Woodland Fairies, but we will need more spaghetti and we would also like to meet the Lord of your Catfeetrium, we believe his name is Sloppy Joe. After your lunchtime at your jail/school please bring the Lord of the Catfeetrium to Ugdork the Playground Cyclops and he will bring Sloppy Joe to us. We believe he can help us.
Also since you children are too weak to carry our supplies tell your Dad that he must jump into your jail’s dumpster every day after he takes you to school and bring us at least one bag of slop. If your “Dad” refuses to help us we will make sure that his keys disappear every Tuesday for the next year. It would be a shame for him to find them in a pile of fox poop.
Bring us this Sloppy Joe,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes