Dear Wretches,
We the gnomes were completely distressed to learn that your Sloppy Joe is not in fact the Lord of the Catfeetrium at all, but is instead, only a disgusting sandwich made with a questionable meat substance and a sauce that we think was made in a trashcan and then stored in a tree elve’s house for a year in a sweaty old sock.
You may not know this, but we the gnomes can’t negotiate with a sandwich. Through Jeff’s work in the jail/school, we have discovered that the true leader of the Catfeetrium is some dude named Michael Westerholm III, director of food services.
Let me be very clear about something. While, we the gnomes, love all of the slop that is deposited in the giant green treasure chests outside of your school/jail, your Catfeetrium has no real food in it. This is why everything they make is good for throwing at the Woodland Fairies. We the gnomes love pelting the Woodland Fairies with gross things, but we don’t waste food. Thankfully, your Catfeetrium doesn’t make real food so we can still sleep at night.
To seek help in our cause, Jeff left a note for this Westerholm III person demanding that he help us in our quest to make the homes of all the Woodland Fairies smell putrid or we would call something known as the “Health Department” and inform them of all the “delicious” things your Catfeetrium serves. We believe this “Hearth Deportment” may be very interested to learn about the kingdom of mice that also live there. Not only did he not agree to help us, but he told the people that you call teachers at your school that someone played a joke on him with our letter.
Gnomes don’t play jokes. Yes, we hatch schemes, make war plans, and pull pranks, but we never joke. To be clear most of the pranks that we play are on your “Dad,” but let’s face it that dude has it coming. We like spelling out mean names for him with sticks and his shoes. It is also fun to leave doors open or take his tools out of the garage and throw them in the yard so your mom gets mad at him.
So as you can see we were not joking with Michael III about anything because we don’t do that. However, we have gone to war against the Catfeetrium. If they will not help us then we hope they enjoy swimming in the wobbly substance you humans call jail-o. Slearpork and Jeff were successful in filling the Catfeetrium to the roof with it. We the gnomes are repulsed by this jail-o because it is so colorful and we are quite certain contains 100% percent fairy “happiness.”
Since the Catfeetrium will not join us, we regret to inform you that your dad must keep digging in the dumpsters of your jail to bring us weapons. As a token of kindness to your dad, we have included a nice new set of rubber gloves to help him in his quest to bring us disgusting things. We the gnomes have taken the liberty of cutting small holes in his gloves so that the smell of the Catfeetrium dumpster will get all over his hands. There is great excitement among our clan of gnomes because we know that once your mom smells him that they will have to have yet another long talk about his body odor.
The Catfeetrium will be ours,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes and number one enemy of Michael Westerholm III