Letters from a Disgruntled Gnome

Special guest post by Goater

Dear Nice Children who talk to me,

          Hi friends, Mr. Angry Gnome told me to write you two kids letters while he was gone. He told me to write about things I don’t like and to complain a lot. Betrand said the grumpier the better. I don’t know why He is so cranky besides that he sleeps on a bed full of thumbtacks and old potato chip bags. But he is my friend and so I will try to write a mean letter to you kiddos. You sure are nice to me by the way and your Dad is my friend too.

          Do you know what I don’t like? I don’t like that the sunset is so pretty that sometimes I want to cry. Oh wait, that is actually something nice. Here let me try again. Do you know what really bugs me? Well, not much except when the fireflies go to sleep at night because that means I have to wait until tomorrow to see them again and they sure are pretty.

          Well, maybe I can’t write a mean letter too well so I guess I will just have to do two things. First of all, I would like to thank the little boy for not zipping up his suitcase all the way because when your Dad carried it outside several socks dropped out. You may wonder what a talking goat can do with two pairs of socks. How would a goat even be able to put them on? Well, I can’t. But they sure were part of this goat’s balanced breakfast today. So to that I say thank you and tell your Dad while I was sorry to hear that he ripped his favorite pair of shorts last week, I was glad that he put them in a spot in the trash can where I could dig them out. They were a great dinner last night and I even had leftovers for lunch today.

          Oh yeah, I said I was gonna do two things. First, again thank you. Secondly, would you like to hear how I invented suitcases? Well, one day someone left my gate open in Texash and I walked out and wandered down to the street to start talking to people. When all of the sudden I was attacked by a swarm of Bumblebees. I think they were after me because I am so sweet.

          Anyways, I started running down the street until I found an open door and hid in the ice cream shop. I am what you call a nervous eater so I ate one tub of Rocky Road ice cream and three empty cartons. After that, my tummy hurt so I went to see Farmercist to get some medicine. He made me all better and then I went to play basketball with some nice people. They taught me how to slam dunk a basketball.

All was going great until the bees found me and started chasing me again. They chased me all of the way home. Just at the last moment, I jumped into a dumpster to hide and that’s how I invented the suitcase. I hope you liked my story. Tomorrow I will write you another one because I invented a lot of great stuff like question marks and pineapples.

Your Pal,

Goater!

Dear Misanthropes,

          It seems that you children cannot follow simple instructions. Were we not clear when we said that our noble clan would require space for five to ten gnomes in each of your suitcases for your vacation? And yet when we went to sneak into your luggage there was no room for our clan!

          Do you children really need to pack every single item of clothes that you own when you go on a trip? Don’t even get me started on all of the books you packed! When gnomes go on a journey they don’t pack books, they pack items to build weapons or traps because you never know when you are going to run into a Woodland Fairy that needs to be pelted with goo or something else gross.

          In other words, there was no room for our noble clan to travel in your suitcases. Oh and once again your Dad ruined everything! He packed his suitcase and your Mom’s luggage in the rolling thing you keep in your other house with the large door that sounds like a dragon when it opens. We believe your Mom calls this four-wheeled machine, “Oh my gosh! or Thank you, Jesus we didn’t die.” At least that is what it is called when your Dad drives it.

          So thanks to you we can’t travel to the far-off land in your suitcase. We the gnomes were faced with one of two choices. The first was to visit the Fairytale Travel Agency. Yes, even some Fairytale creatures go on vacation except for the Freeway Ogres. I mean if you got to yell all day long and spell funny words with what was left of flat tires you would think every day was vacation too.

          Unfortunately, the Fairytale Travel Agency is run by a group of tree elves and an old magical tree known as Bloobersnoot. As you might have guessed Bloobersnoot is a crazy tree that is always happy and “loves everyone.” He once offered to send our noble clan on a magical adventure full of fun and excitement. We the gnomes had one simple response to Bloobersnoot, “Hard pass.”

          Since we the gnomes had no desire to deal with Bloobersnoot, we chose our second option. We the gnomes have disguised ourselves as a Mazona Rimep package. Crabapple, the computer-literate gnome tells us that they guarantee two-day delivery. When your friendly neighborhood SUP driver comes to take away your boxes he will take us to the address we have written on the box in two days. Then at last we will have the ancient element that will send the Woodland Fairies packing for good.

Gnome Voyage,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Dear Really Bad Short People,

          We the gnomes are exhausted! Those Leprechauns that appeared from the double rainbow decided to stay in the back field near the Enchanted Forest for three extra days after their precious rainbow was gone. This was awful for us!

          Paddy O’Hoolihan and the rest of the Leprechauns sang and danced all night long with the Woodland Fairies. They laughed and laughed, those little green nuisances were so loud that we had to stuff raccoons in our ears just so we could sleep. Because of this, we had all had terrible nights of sleep. How well do you think you would sleep with a raccoon in between your ears?

While we had raccoons chattering in our ears as we tried to sleep the leprechauns sang songs about things that no normal person would think to sing about. The reason no normal person would sing those songs is that they have brains, unlike the Woodland Fairies and Leprechauns. Whom, to the best of our humble gnome clan’s understanding, do not.

          Thankfully the Leprechauns decided that they needed to go be annoying elsewhere, they called it spreading joy, however, we the gnomes have no idea what this means. All that we know is that our lands were destroyed by the Woodland Fairies and Leprechauns with their “party.”  By destroyed of course, we mean that the ground was neat and clean. All of our piles of trash disappeared, the trees were freshly trimmed, and the whole land smelled, “nice.” We the gnomes of course found this unacceptable.

          After all of the work in repairing our lands from the damage caused by the Woodland Fairies and the Leprechauns, we the gnomes need a break. We also have recently discovered there is an ancient element in a far-off land that may contain a magical power to kick the Woodland Fairies and the Leprechauns off of our land forever. We sure hope so because we are tired of looking at all of these awful flowers.

          Slearpork the Sneaky has informed us that you and your parents are also tired and are taking a vacation to relax. While we the gnomes have no idea what a vacation is or why you need to “relax” we have learned that where you are going is where this magical item that will finally give us victory over the Woodland Fairies is.

          So we the gnomes demand that you allow us to travel on what you call a Raroplane in your luggage. We the gnomes require space for five to ten gnomes a suitcase. It has come to our attention that your Dad’s suitcase is rather large and can easily fit more gnomes.

          He will be so surprised when he opens his bag on vacation to discover that we have thrown out all of his clothes so that our noble clan can travel safely. Your Dad will be even more excited to know that we the gnomes have brought our finest cabbage, garlic, mustard, and stink bug stew in his suitcase. At least he won’t be hungry when he arrives.

Take us with you or else…

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

p.s. Goater has declared that he is coming too. Good Luck getting him through airport security. You could always say that Goater is your Dad’s brother. They look alike and have you seen that guy eat? We of course are talking about your Dad.

Dear Troublemakers,

          Do you know what the worst part of living at the edge of a magical forest filled with fairies is? Well, I will tell you. Every time it rains there is a rainbow in the sky. We don’t know how the Woodland Fairies made this happen, but we are sure they did.

          Do you know what makes it worse? Having two mini-humans who run outside every single time there is a rainbow in the sky and shout “Yay, it is another rainbow. It is so beautiful and did you know we have bubblegum where our brains should be?” Well, you might not say that part, but we the gnomes believe this to be the truth.

          As much as we can’t stand rainbows because the Woodland Fairies also come out of the forest to play and celebrate as you children do, there is something way worse than one rainbow. You might ask, “O, noble Betrand, what could be more terrible than a rainbow in the sky?”

          Well, I will tell you what is worse than one rainbow, and that is when there is a double rainbow! Why is that a big deal? The magic of a double rainbow opens a doorway to creatures that get on our nerves as much or even more than the Woodland Fairies, and Leprechauns!

          Again, you might say, “There are Leprechauns that come to visit, how magical!” Let me assure you, this is not magical, it is awful. All of you humans think that Leprechauns are all about happiness, marshmallows, and pots of gold.

          So why don’t we just start there? Leprechauns are friendly and they are always so happy to see us. They think that because we are all the same size, we are part of the same family. This could not be further from the truth. Gnomes hate green, we don’t like singing and dancing, and we gnomes love being miserable, not happy.

          Then there is the issue with the marshmallows. Those creatures like to throw them around everywhere. They believe that every creature loves bright-colored sugar-coated fluff. We do not! Plus when those dudes arrive they throw those marshmallows all over our land and think it is a party. Well, guess who has to pick up those candy-coated shapes of yuck? We do the noble gnomes.

          The last time those foul Leprechauns showed up to bring happiness, Flingdring the Flattened and the gnome formerly known as Mr. Mc Bing Bang had to spend like sixty-five hours picking up those unlucky charms. What is worse it is not like we can shoot those sugary things at the Fairies because they would think we were giving them candy and try to do something nice for us.

          Then there is the pot of gold that all of you humans talk about. You children think, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could find a pot of gold we would be rich?” Do you really think so? Would you like to know what is really in the pot of gold?

          One time Slearpork the Sneaky and Jeff went to the end of the rainbow to find a pot of gold. We thought for sure we could use the money to buy a rocket to send all of the Woodland Fairies and Leprechauns into Outer Space. What made our plan even better was the fact that we took the pot of gold from the worst Leprechaun ever, Paddy O’Hoolihan! That guy is the worst! He walks around all day long saying, “Top of the morning to you. This is super weird, especially at night. It’s like those cheery creatures don’t own watches.”

          We the Gnomes believed that stealing Paddy O’Hoolihans’ treasure would be the greatest triumph ever. That was until we discovered that the pot of gold those Leprechauns carry around is really just chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. We the gnomes despise all things sweet so we had no use for this chocolate. This was terrible and why we don’t like rainbows and most of all, Leprechauns!

          Why are there so many songs about rainbows? We the gnomes don’t know and wish you would stop asking and or singing about this awful event that brings terribly happy creatures that have no idea what time of day it is to the point that they are constantly wishing people a good morning at night!

Rainbows and Leprechauns…ugh,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

p.s. Since we had no use for the chocolate coins and we were mad that we weren’t rich and that the Woodland Fairies were not in outer space, there was only one thing to do. We hid all of the chocolate coins in your Dad’s pants’ pockets and socks. We also added some of the marshmallows we picked up too because we were really mad. This was quite a mess when he washed his clothes. Your Mom was soooo mad at him. We hope he enjoys sleeping in the basement.

Dear Hooligans,

          We the gnomes are once again disgusted because our recent brilliant plan to cover the Woodland Fairies with all kinds of goo to the point that they would be so upset that they finally moved to Greenland somehow, failed. For this, we blame your Dad. It should be noted that we also blame the Woodland Fairies and even though we have it on good authority that he is on vacation in Florida right now, we also believe that Michael Westerholm III is to blame for our recent plan’s failure.

          After the missile of mud and goo exploded on us in your tree house all of our clothes were ruined and we had to return to the most awful place in the world, the Enchanted Shopping mall. I don’t need to tell you how much we the gnomes despise this awful place. It is a collection of the most annoying fairy tale creatures that exist and it smells like cinnamon which as you may not know is considered a declaration of war to the noses of our noble clan.

          We the gnomes thought for sure that this voyage to the Enchanted Shopping Mall would be much better because we had Sir Sloppy Joe and Goater with us to aid in our quest for the fastest trip possible. Boy, were we wrong.

As little time that we can spend in the Enchanted Shopping Mall the better. The Tree Elves that run place get on our nerves. First of all, they have Elves at the front entrance there to “welcome” our noble clan when we walk in. This of course is unacceptable! Gnomes do not want to be welcome anywhere. If we the gnomes felt welcome anywhere then we might actually get comfortable and not be prepared to do battle with the Woodland Fairies at a moment’s notice. Even more importantly, if a gnome ever got comfortable then they would not be able to complain. This, all gnomes find, unacceptable.

          You might think that this is a little extreme, but you should know that we the gnomes don’t “welcome” each other when our noble clans visit one another. In fact, when we gnomes have visitors the first question we ask of them is, “What do you want? Why are you here?”  “You brought your own food right?” “Would you mind sleeping outside?” And finally, “Are you sure that you can’t leave sooner?”

          This time we thought for sure that riding into the mall on Goater’s back with Sir Sloppy Joe standing on his head would cause the Tree Elves to let us pass freely, but this is not what happened at all. When the Tree Elf at the front door saw Goater they were “happy” to see him and began talking to him.

Let me tell you that we love Goater because he drives the Woodland Fairies crazy, but if you get him started talking you better have a mushroom garlic sandwich or another snack because he will talk to anyone for like six hours. “How are you Mr. Tree elf? I see you holding that door open. Would you like to hear how I invented doors?”

This went on and on and on. The only thing that stopped Goater from talking was when a Woodland Fairy flew past and heard him. It distracted her to the point that she crashed into the cinnamon bun shop by the front door. That fairy will have icing in her ears for weeks. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

 We the gnomes took this opportunity to move quickly to the only store that sells grey and brown in the Enchanted Shopping mall. The tree elves who sell us clothes were so surprised to see a talking sandwich that they stood staring at Sir Sloppy Joe for like an hour. This was terrible for us because we wanted to get out of that place, fast. Then after this, they decided to ask us about our feelings or if we wanted something called “accessories.” I don’t have to go into detail about what feelings the gnomes have because I have tried to educate you before. You should know that we had to use a sparkling something from the tree elf store to tie Goater’s mouth shut because he does have feelings and boy does he want to talk about them.

          This was the longest trip to the mall, ever. The Woodland Fairies wouldn’t stop trying to hug us and they all wanted to talk about how magical it was to have a talking sandwich. No, what would be magical is if they just let us be. Plus the Flower Sprites all made us sneeze because we gnomes are allergic to happiness.

          Thankfully we the gnomes have finally returned home from the Enchanted Shopping Mall and while the trip took far too long we are freshly dressed in our favorite colors brown and grey. We are now ready to make another brilliant plan to defeat the Woodland Fairies. We are sure this next one will be a winner…we hope.

          Because we are quite certain that this new plan will be our greatest, we demand that your dad take a vacation to Antarctica for like…three years. We don’t need that guy hanging around and messing up our plans. Also, we think Michael Westerholm III should go with him. If those dudes leave town, victory will be ours for sure.

Tell Your Dad to Hit the Bricks,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

p.s. If you notice a red and white chair in your yard, just leave it there. Goater fell in love with it at the mall and thinks it is his girlfriend. He has named it, Chairy.

Dear Mini-humans,

          It seems to us that your jail/ school has gotten just as tired of you being on their lands as we are of you insisting on living on ours’. For some reason, you “children” are not going there every morning. From what we know, Michael Westerholm III, Director of Food Services has decreed that you children should have what your jail/school calls, “Summer Break.” We the gnomes can’t tell you how much we do not like that you are here all day long. It is not a break for us! This is torture and yet another reason why we must one day conquer the Catfeetrium once and for all!

          It is super annoying that you insist on playing outside and making noise while we the gnomes are trying to rest in our home under the tree so that we will be ready to make war against the Woodland Fairies when night falls. You can’t imagine all of the wonderful ideas and brilliant plans of how to finally convince the Woodland Fairies to move to Antarctica that is never able to be dreamt of because you children insist on scootering and playing in your tree house!

          While we gnomes detest the fact that you are currently spending more time on our lands, there is one day of this “Summer Break” that we love. I believe you call it the Wourth of Who Lies or Indedance Day. We the gnomes are not sure, but we can honestly say that for all of the misery and grief you trespassers have brought to our land, we cherish this day in our noble gnome hearts.

          “Why?” You might ask? It is a day all about fire, grilled meat, and explosions. These are things that we the gnomes enjoy. We love the fact that your Dad grills meat outside. It smells good and quite frankly is easy to steal when that dude is not paying attention. I could say more about how easy it is to distract that guy, but based upon how many ice cream cones you eat when he is “watching” you, this doesn’t need to be said.

          Ok so back to the explosion part. This year, we the gnomes had devised the greatest plan of all. Slearpork and Jeff were able to sneak over to your neighbor’s house, Ralph, you know the guy with questionable body odor and only nine fingers? Well, it turns out that Ralph had a nice supply of what you call fireworks. Through the work of Jeff and Slearpork, the gnomes were able to acquire a big tube of fire to launch into the air. Do not be deceived, we the gnomes did not steal this for you “children’s” enjoyment.

          As always these fireworks were a part of our plan to make the Woodland Fairies leave our lands forever. This was our masterful plan. Sloppy Joe rode Goater to the edge of the forest where he invited Sunny and the Woodland Fairies to join him in the middle of our large field for a night of magic and surprise.

          It is a well-known fact that the Woodland Fairies are du, I mean they love surprises. Of course, they were amazed at a Living Sandwich and the talking goat so they followed them right away. What those Floating Flibberdyjibits didn’t realize is that they were being led into a trap. We the gnomes had aimed the firework we stole from Ralph at the Woodland Fairies.

          Don’t worry we weren’t going to blow them up, we are not crazy, just cranky. No, we had tied a giant balloon filled with pond scum, chewing gum, chipmunk farts, and a bottle of your Dad’s cologne so that right when the firework crashed in the middle of the field it would burst all over the Woodland Fairies and once they were covered in goo they would cry and then suddenly realize that they should move to Austria or the Philippines.

          This was a brilliant plan of course, but your Dad built your tree house in the wrong place and when we fired our missile of goo it bounced off of a tree limb and exploded on our noble clan of gnomes. We are now covered in goo and disgusted because now we need new clothes, which means another trip to the enchanted shopping mall.

          The Wourth of Who Lies was one of our favorite days, but now it is ruined because of the Woodland Fairies and your Dad. Therefore we the gnomes demand that your Dad trim the tree in front of your tree house so that the next time we fire a missile at the Woodland Fairies it doesn’t miss.

          We would prank your Dad right now, but we all smell like him and this is embarrassing so we must go shopping to rid our clan of his foul stench. However, I would tell him to sleep with one eye open for the next week. We will get him and the Woodland Fairies, that is once we get back from the Enchanted Shopping Mall.

Victory will be ours…one day,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Chief of the Gnomes.

 

Dear Miscreants,

         We the gnomes would like to formally declare that we love your Dad. Don’t get us wrong we don’t love him like we want to hang out with him. I mean, have you seen the way that guy dresses? Plus his jokes are so bad that one time after hearing one Slearpork had to take nineteen baths just to get the stink off of him. Don’t even get me started about the stories that guy writes. I mean seriously who wants to hear a story about a rooster that solves crimes? Then there is his guitar playing…sheesh. Although we gnomes do like to sneak into his office and use his guitar strings to floss our teeth. Then we laugh because this is why you say he always stinks after he plays. It is a well-known fact that we gnomes pride ourselves on bad breath.

          No, we love your Dad because it is so fun to play pranks on him. This guy falls for them every time! Our newest prank we have to say is the best. Mostly because we gnomes are valiant warriors and have the greatest plans known to all fairytale creatures even if they often fail and blow up in our faces. This of course we blame the Woodland Fairies for. However, we had no idea that our latest prank would actually succeed. We gnomes still don’t know how we pulled this off.

          Do you remember a few weeks ago when your Dad went to some place called Texash to pick up a beloved farm animal that was given to him when his great uncle something something died? No one wanted the animal, but your Dad went to get it because it had been in the family for so long and it would be a shame to listen to the rest of what he said because it sounds like something sappy like the Woodland Fairies would say.

          So after your Dad built a fence he went to the Texash place and returned with this creature. We gnomes pride ourselves on knowing all of the strangest forms of animals because you just never know what beast could be trained to help in our struggle against the Woodland Fairies. To our surprise, we didn’t know this animal.

          The next night while we sat around complaining about flowers and chocolate chip cookies the gnome formerly known as Mr. Mc Bing Bang had a great idea. He knew that once the Woodland Fairies discovered that there was a new creature they would have a magical parade to welcome the animal to our lands and give it a gift.

          The gnome formerly known as Mr. Mc Bing Bang said it would be hilarious if we tricked the fairies into giving the animal the ability to talk that way he would follow your Dad around all day long talking to him. That would most likely get on his nerves. We couldn’t wait to see what happened next.

          In order to put our plan in motion, Slearpork and Jeff went to the edge of the forest where they found Sunny the happy gnome and outcast of our clan hugging porcupines and making wishes that everyone would have a good day. They told her that your Dad was crying the night before because he didn’t have anyone to talk to and that the nicest thing the fairies could do was give the animal the ability to speak.

          That night we gnomes camouflaged ourselves in grass and dirt and watched as the Woodland Fairies all paraded out of the woods singing songs about how their brains are full of cotton candy and that is why they are so annoying or something like that. Then once they reached the new animal they circled around it and gave it the ability to speak.

          Slearpork and Jeff snuck closer to this beast to finally get a better look at him. He had four hooves, a beard, and horns. We noticed that he only had one and a half horns. This new animal also had a crazy look in his eyes. It was safe to say that we knew at once that we had found a new friend and ally.

          Jeff asked the creature what his name was and he said to us, “Goater!” The most amazing thing happened when he started speaking the Woodland Fairies started flying in crazy circles and even crashed into a tree. Finally, we had a secret weapon in our war with the Woodland Fairies and it all started with a question, “Would y’all like to hear how I invented bubblegum?”

          We the gnomes now declare that Goater is part of our clan and that your Dad must care for him and give him all of the popcorn and soda that he wants so that he can stay up all night talking. When Goater speaks the Woodland Fairies fly in the opposite direction! Victory will soon be ours.

Goater!

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Chief of the Gnomes

Dear Cretans,

          We the gnomes are flabbergasted and beside ourselves once again. Just when we finally thought that we achieved victory over Michael Westerholm III, Director of Food Services, at your school’s Catfeetrium, glorious victory was snatched from our hands.

          How did such a glorious and brilliant plan fail? We the gnomes lay the blame on you human children or the place you got the chicken nuggets from, Speedy Joe’s Garbage to Go, or something like that.

          “Why oh why, noble Bertrand, would you say this?” You creatures might ask. The reason we blame you is that you brought us the wrong kind of nuggets! We wanted the spicy nuggets and you somehow brought us, Honey Mustard!

          Now you might ask, “O wise and noble Gnome chieftan, why is that a problem?”

          I will tell you why that is a problem! The fairies did fall for Slearpork’s sad act and granted his request to bring the nuggets to life. However, since they were Honey Mustard instead of spicy when they came to life they were nice! They didn’t want to go into battle with Sloppy Joe, they wanted to sing songs and asked the fairies to plant flowers!

          Then they decided they wanted to hug. Well, as you know chicken nuggets don’t have arms so they asked the fairies to use their magic to give them arms. And do you know what happened next? Those winged warblers did give them arms. Then the chicken nuggets started hugging each other and then Sloppy Joe and Slearpork.

          Slearpork passed out when he was hugged and Sloppy Joe hid from those mutant hugging chicken nuggets on the swing set. The only happy thing from this whole disaster was that some of the chicken nuggets made it into the Catfeetrium and one of the teachers thought it was a mouse. The Westerholm person had to talk to someone from the Hearth Deportment, but he told them someone let the mouse inside so they left. The Hearth Deportment is about as smart as the Woodland Fairies.

          The Westerholm person closed the door and told Sloppy Joe to never return to the Catfeetrium. We the gnomes are a brave and noble clan, so when we heard that our plan had failed there was only one thing to do, spell out “Michael Westerholm III is a bad person” on the school blacktop with trash. Then we left with our heads hung low in shame. We also got hugged by a chicken nugget and a Woodland Fairy tried to give us a flower. It was a bad day.

          We have now returned to our tree and welcomed our first non-gnome to our clan, Sir Sloppy Joe the Sloppy One. One day we will take control of your Catfeetrium and use all of the trash we find there to make giant balls of mustard-covered spaghetti to fling at the Woodland Fairies. Until then, we must now find a new way to defeat the Woodland Fairies and Michael Westerholm III, Director of Food Services. Next time we should probably cover his large brain with mashed potatoes first.

Revenge will be ours,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Chief of the Gnomes

p.s. We had to take out our anger over our defeat at the Catfeetrium on someone, so as usual, we chose your dad. Hidden inside one of the drawers in what you call a kitchen is one of the singing chicken nuggets. The chicken nugget will most likely scare your mom when she finds it. We have a note around its neck that says, “The Dad person put me here, you should make him sleep in the basement tonight.” Also, we filled your Dad’s sock drawer with all of the packages of Catsoup we found in the trash at Speedy Joe’s when we ordered 2 million cheeseburgers and then ran.

Dear Misanthropes,

          Sir Sloppy Joe has sent word to us that the battle for the Catfeetrium at your school continues. It seems that Michael Westerholm III, director of food services, is a much more challenging opponent than we the gnomes had given him credit for. Apparently, the lack of hair on his head has something to do with needing extra space for his large brain.

          The Westerholm person does not seem to be willing to fall for any of Sir Sloppy Joe’s tricks. He also doesn’t seem to believe that a sandwich can talk. You would think that after three of the people that the Westerholm person calls “food preparation specialists,” ran screaming out of the Catfeetrium when Sir Sloppy Joe began talking to them while they were making what they call food he would take our friend seriously.

          Sloppy Joe has told us that he needs help in the battle against the Westerholm person. We the gnomes are wise and noble creatures therefore we have devised a brilliant plan to bring aid to our sloppy friend. Since it is no longer winter and there is no snowman to use as a decoy for the Woodland Fairies to bring to life we have come up with a new plan.

          Slearpork the Sneaky is going to disguise himself as a gnome from a nearby clan called Slearpork the Sad sack. And before you ask yes, Slearpork is a common gnome name along with Malfredius, Glorzipan, and Blamsmaggle. These names are as common your John, James, Bill, and Bob. He will sit down right outside the Catfeetrium and begin crying with a box of chicken nuggets in his hand. We believe that when one of the Woodland Fairies passes by they will no doubt stop to see why Slearpork is crying. Those awful fairies love to do something called, “cheering up others.”

          This fairy will probably try to hug Slearpork. When this happens Slearpork will stop them and say, “Don’t worry about me I am only crying because I just realized that I don’t have any friends. In fact, the only thing I have to talk to is my last box of chicken nuggets. If only someone was du…I mean kind enough to use magic to make me some friends, my life would be ever so much happier.”

          It is a well-known fact that when someone asks a Woodland Fairy to use their magic to do something nice, they will be so happy that they will. Then the fairy will say, “Of course, I will. We fairies are dense creatures who are easily tricked, I am glad to help. I will now bring your chicken nuggets to life.”

          When this happens we all be watching from the bushes with glee because what this fairy won’t know is that these chicken nuggets are spicy! Then they will come to life ready to join Sir Sloppy Joe in the battle for the Catfeetrium. Not long after that, the Westerholm person will be our prisoner and we will cover his bald head with mashed potatoes so that his large brain will no longer be able to outsmart us.

          Our victory will be sweet, but this is where we demand your help. We the gnomes have gathered up change from what you call a “shewer” so that you should be able to take these coins to purchase the spicy chicken nuggets we need for our plan to succeed.

          If you do not do this we will take all of your sidewalk chalk and write mean things about your dad. Oh wait, we just finished doing that anyway. Let’s try this again, if you do not aid us in our quest, we will take all of the rubber bands in your house and all of your orange M&Ms.

Victory will soon be ours,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Hoodwinker of the Woodland Fairies

p.s. When we take all of your orange M&Ms we will also lick the rest that we leave behind.

Dear Hooligans,

          We the gnomes rejoice because of the winter season and our time of war against the Woodland Fairies. It is quite glorious especially now that Sir Sloppy Joe is slowly working to gain control of your food place in your “school/ temporary jail.” Soon we will have all of the slop we need to wipe the smiles off of the faces of all the Woodland Fairies forever.

          We were so excited until we overheard you “children” talking about something you and the fetid fairies called Stain Valentinge’s Day. The gnomes know little of this Stain Valentinge, but we do know that we despise this day because it is a day all about “love.”

          This word is not one that we the gnomes use and quite often when we hear it we all become ill. Many years ago a Woodland Fairy got lost and flew through our great hall and said she “loved” the place. Every gnome who heard this threw up and then lost twenty-five pounds. One member of our clan, Schnozbert the Long-Nosed couldn’t walk for three days and still can’t smell his own bad breath. Do you know how traumatizing this is for a gnome? There is no greater joy for a gnome than to know the air is now filled with his own foul stench. Well… That is of course the joy of ridding our lands of the Woodland Fairies forever, that is the greatest joy for a gnome.

          We the gnomes are allergic to this word, “love.” It is so bad that I have gagged forty times while writing this letter to you. This thing you call “love,” makes all gnomes cry. And I can’t even keep writing it because I have written three times and already I have to get a belt because I lost ten pounds.

          Our noble gnome warriors were troubled when heard you “children” discussing all of the wonderful treats you received at your jail/school. Apparently, you and the Woodland Fairies love candy. This is the most awful substance in the world and how dare you bring it onto our sacred lands!

          We the gnomes protest Stain Valentinge’s day by eating the worst tasting and foul-smelling things we can find. In the evening shortly before we go out to steal all of the Woodland Fairies’ candy and replace it with garbage and slime we the gnomes gather for our feast of raw onions, sauerkraut, boiled eggs, and garlic loaf. The hope is that we will smell so bad when we attack the Fairies that they cry so they won’t be able to sing or try to hug us.

          Stain Valentinge’s day is an awful and dreadful day. In order to discourage the Woodland Fairies from trying to celebrate this day ever again on our lands, we the gnomes demand that you take the poem attached to the great tree at the back of your yard for the Woodland Fairies to find. The poem is pink and shaped like a heart. Several gnomes had to bathe in trash and garlic to cleanse themselves from this foul thing.

          If you do not do as we wish we will steal all of your candy and feed it to our badgers.

“Love” stinks,

Betrand G. Fizzywillow

Detester of Stain Valentinge’s Day

Take this poem to the great tree at the edge of the forest

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Stain Valentinge’s is awful and

We don’t like you

Stop singing to us

And trying to make us merry

For one day we will crush

All you Woodland Fairies

We gnomes despise romance

We detest these things

We especially can’t stand

People with wings (which means you)

We don’t want your candy

So don’t even try

All we gnomes want

Is to make you cry

Get off of our lands

And never return

All of your “nice cards”

Make our eyes burn!