Dear Hooligans,
We the gnomes rejoice because of the winter season and our time of war against the Woodland Fairies. It is quite glorious especially now that Sir Sloppy Joe is slowly working to gain control of your food place in your “school/ temporary jail.” Soon we will have all of the slop we need to wipe the smiles off of the faces of all the Woodland Fairies forever.
We were so excited until we overheard you “children” talking about something you and the fetid fairies called Stain Valentinge’s Day. The gnomes know little of this Stain Valentinge, but we do know that we despise this day because it is a day all about “love.”
This word is not one that we the gnomes use and quite often when we hear it we all become ill. Many years ago a Woodland Fairy got lost and flew through our great hall and said she “loved” the place. Every gnome who heard this threw up and then lost twenty-five pounds. One member of our clan, Schnozbert the Long-Nosed couldn’t walk for three days and still can’t smell his own bad breath. Do you know how traumatizing this is for a gnome? There is no greater joy for a gnome than to know the air is now filled with his own foul stench. Well… That is of course the joy of ridding our lands of the Woodland Fairies forever, that is the greatest joy for a gnome.
We the gnomes are allergic to this word, “love.” It is so bad that I have gagged forty times while writing this letter to you. This thing you call “love,” makes all gnomes cry. And I can’t even keep writing it because I have written three times and already I have to get a belt because I lost ten pounds.
Our noble gnome warriors were troubled when heard you “children” discussing all of the wonderful treats you received at your jail/school. Apparently, you and the Woodland Fairies love candy. This is the most awful substance in the world and how dare you bring it onto our sacred lands!
We the gnomes protest Stain Valentinge’s day by eating the worst tasting and foul-smelling things we can find. In the evening shortly before we go out to steal all of the Woodland Fairies’ candy and replace it with garbage and slime we the gnomes gather for our feast of raw onions, sauerkraut, boiled eggs, and garlic loaf. The hope is that we will smell so bad when we attack the Fairies that they cry so they won’t be able to sing or try to hug us.
Stain Valentinge’s day is an awful and dreadful day. In order to discourage the Woodland Fairies from trying to celebrate this day ever again on our lands, we the gnomes demand that you take the poem attached to the great tree at the back of your yard for the Woodland Fairies to find. The poem is pink and shaped like a heart. Several gnomes had to bathe in trash and garlic to cleanse themselves from this foul thing.
If you do not do as we wish we will steal all of your candy and feed it to our badgers.
“Love” stinks,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Detester of Stain Valentinge’s Day
Take this poem to the great tree at the edge of the forest
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stain Valentinge’s is awful and
We don’t like you
Stop singing to us
And trying to make us merry
For one day we will crush
All you Woodland Fairies
We gnomes despise romance
We detest these things
We especially can’t stand
People with wings (which means you)
We don’t want your candy
So don’t even try
All we gnomes want
Is to make you cry
Get off of our lands
And never return
All of your “nice cards”
Make our eyes burn!