Dear Misanthropes,
Sir Sloppy Joe has sent word to us that the battle for the Catfeetrium at your school continues. It seems that Michael Westerholm III, director of food services, is a much more challenging opponent than we the gnomes had given him credit for. Apparently, the lack of hair on his head has something to do with needing extra space for his large brain.
The Westerholm person does not seem to be willing to fall for any of Sir Sloppy Joe’s tricks. He also doesn’t seem to believe that a sandwich can talk. You would think that after three of the people that the Westerholm person calls “food preparation specialists,” ran screaming out of the Catfeetrium when Sir Sloppy Joe began talking to them while they were making what they call food he would take our friend seriously.
Sloppy Joe has told us that he needs help in the battle against the Westerholm person. We the gnomes are wise and noble creatures therefore we have devised a brilliant plan to bring aid to our sloppy friend. Since it is no longer winter and there is no snowman to use as a decoy for the Woodland Fairies to bring to life we have come up with a new plan.
Slearpork the Sneaky is going to disguise himself as a gnome from a nearby clan called Slearpork the Sad sack. And before you ask yes, Slearpork is a common gnome name along with Malfredius, Glorzipan, and Blamsmaggle. These names are as common your John, James, Bill, and Bob. He will sit down right outside the Catfeetrium and begin crying with a box of chicken nuggets in his hand. We believe that when one of the Woodland Fairies passes by they will no doubt stop to see why Slearpork is crying. Those awful fairies love to do something called, “cheering up others.”
This fairy will probably try to hug Slearpork. When this happens Slearpork will stop them and say, “Don’t worry about me I am only crying because I just realized that I don’t have any friends. In fact, the only thing I have to talk to is my last box of chicken nuggets. If only someone was du…I mean kind enough to use magic to make me some friends, my life would be ever so much happier.”
It is a well-known fact that when someone asks a Woodland Fairy to use their magic to do something nice, they will be so happy that they will. Then the fairy will say, “Of course, I will. We fairies are dense creatures who are easily tricked, I am glad to help. I will now bring your chicken nuggets to life.”
When this happens we all be watching from the bushes with glee because what this fairy won’t know is that these chicken nuggets are spicy! Then they will come to life ready to join Sir Sloppy Joe in the battle for the Catfeetrium. Not long after that, the Westerholm person will be our prisoner and we will cover his bald head with mashed potatoes so that his large brain will no longer be able to outsmart us.
Our victory will be sweet, but this is where we demand your help. We the gnomes have gathered up change from what you call a “shewer” so that you should be able to take these coins to purchase the spicy chicken nuggets we need for our plan to succeed.
If you do not do this we will take all of your sidewalk chalk and write mean things about your dad. Oh wait, we just finished doing that anyway. Let’s try this again, if you do not aid us in our quest, we will take all of the rubber bands in your house and all of your orange M&Ms.
Victory will soon be ours,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Hoodwinker of the Woodland Fairies
p.s. When we take all of your orange M&Ms we will also lick the rest that we leave behind.