Dear Cretans,
We the gnomes are flabbergasted and beside ourselves once again. Just when we finally thought that we achieved victory over Michael Westerholm III, Director of Food Services, at your school’s Catfeetrium, glorious victory was snatched from our hands.
How did such a glorious and brilliant plan fail? We the gnomes lay the blame on you human children or the place you got the chicken nuggets from, Speedy Joe’s Garbage to Go, or something like that.
“Why oh why, noble Bertrand, would you say this?” You creatures might ask. The reason we blame you is that you brought us the wrong kind of nuggets! We wanted the spicy nuggets and you somehow brought us, Honey Mustard!
Now you might ask, “O wise and noble Gnome chieftan, why is that a problem?”
I will tell you why that is a problem! The fairies did fall for Slearpork’s sad act and granted his request to bring the nuggets to life. However, since they were Honey Mustard instead of spicy when they came to life they were nice! They didn’t want to go into battle with Sloppy Joe, they wanted to sing songs and asked the fairies to plant flowers!
Then they decided they wanted to hug. Well, as you know chicken nuggets don’t have arms so they asked the fairies to use their magic to give them arms. And do you know what happened next? Those winged warblers did give them arms. Then the chicken nuggets started hugging each other and then Sloppy Joe and Slearpork.
Slearpork passed out when he was hugged and Sloppy Joe hid from those mutant hugging chicken nuggets on the swing set. The only happy thing from this whole disaster was that some of the chicken nuggets made it into the Catfeetrium and one of the teachers thought it was a mouse. The Westerholm person had to talk to someone from the Hearth Deportment, but he told them someone let the mouse inside so they left. The Hearth Deportment is about as smart as the Woodland Fairies.
The Westerholm person closed the door and told Sloppy Joe to never return to the Catfeetrium. We the gnomes are a brave and noble clan, so when we heard that our plan had failed there was only one thing to do, spell out “Michael Westerholm III is a bad person” on the school blacktop with trash. Then we left with our heads hung low in shame. We also got hugged by a chicken nugget and a Woodland Fairy tried to give us a flower. It was a bad day.
We have now returned to our tree and welcomed our first non-gnome to our clan, Sir Sloppy Joe the Sloppy One. One day we will take control of your Catfeetrium and use all of the trash we find there to make giant balls of mustard-covered spaghetti to fling at the Woodland Fairies. Until then, we must now find a new way to defeat the Woodland Fairies and Michael Westerholm III, Director of Food Services. Next time we should probably cover his large brain with mashed potatoes first.
Revenge will be ours,
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes
p.s. We had to take out our anger over our defeat at the Catfeetrium on someone, so as usual, we chose your dad. Hidden inside one of the drawers in what you call a kitchen is one of the singing chicken nuggets. The chicken nugget will most likely scare your mom when she finds it. We have a note around its neck that says, “The Dad person put me here, you should make him sleep in the basement tonight.” Also, we filled your Dad’s sock drawer with all of the packages of Catsoup we found in the trash at Speedy Joe’s when we ordered 2 million cheeseburgers and then ran.