Dear Miscreants,
We the gnomes would like to formally declare that we love your Dad. Don’t get us wrong we don’t love him like we want to hang out with him. I mean, have you seen the way that guy dresses? Plus his jokes are so bad that one time after hearing one Slearpork had to take nineteen baths just to get the stink off of him. Don’t even get me started about the stories that guy writes. I mean seriously who wants to hear a story about a rooster that solves crimes? Then there is his guitar playing…sheesh. Although we gnomes do like to sneak into his office and use his guitar strings to floss our teeth. Then we laugh because this is why you say he always stinks after he plays. It is a well-known fact that we gnomes pride ourselves on bad breath.
No, we love your Dad because it is so fun to play pranks on him. This guy falls for them every time! Our newest prank we have to say is the best. Mostly because we gnomes are valiant warriors and have the greatest plans known to all fairytale creatures even if they often fail and blow up in our faces. This of course we blame the Woodland Fairies for. However, we had no idea that our latest prank would actually succeed. We gnomes still don’t know how we pulled this off.
Do you remember a few weeks ago when your Dad went to some place called Texash to pick up a beloved farm animal that was given to him when his great uncle something something died? No one wanted the animal, but your Dad went to get it because it had been in the family for so long and it would be a shame to listen to the rest of what he said because it sounds like something sappy like the Woodland Fairies would say.
So after your Dad built a fence he went to the Texash place and returned with this creature. We gnomes pride ourselves on knowing all of the strangest forms of animals because you just never know what beast could be trained to help in our struggle against the Woodland Fairies. To our surprise, we didn’t know this animal.
The next night while we sat around complaining about flowers and chocolate chip cookies the gnome formerly known as Mr. Mc Bing Bang had a great idea. He knew that once the Woodland Fairies discovered that there was a new creature they would have a magical parade to welcome the animal to our lands and give it a gift.
The gnome formerly known as Mr. Mc Bing Bang said it would be hilarious if we tricked the fairies into giving the animal the ability to talk that way he would follow your Dad around all day long talking to him. That would most likely get on his nerves. We couldn’t wait to see what happened next.
In order to put our plan in motion, Slearpork and Jeff went to the edge of the forest where they found Sunny the happy gnome and outcast of our clan hugging porcupines and making wishes that everyone would have a good day. They told her that your Dad was crying the night before because he didn’t have anyone to talk to and that the nicest thing the fairies could do was give the animal the ability to speak.
That night we gnomes camouflaged ourselves in grass and dirt and watched as the Woodland Fairies all paraded out of the woods singing songs about how their brains are full of cotton candy and that is why they are so annoying or something like that. Then once they reached the new animal they circled around it and gave it the ability to speak.
Slearpork and Jeff snuck closer to this beast to finally get a better look at him. He had four hooves, a beard, and horns. We noticed that he only had one and a half horns. This new animal also had a crazy look in his eyes. It was safe to say that we knew at once that we had found a new friend and ally.
Jeff asked the creature what his name was and he said to us, “Goater!” The most amazing thing happened when he started speaking the Woodland Fairies started flying in crazy circles and even crashed into a tree. Finally, we had a secret weapon in our war with the Woodland Fairies and it all started with a question, “Would y’all like to hear how I invented bubblegum?”
We the gnomes now declare that Goater is part of our clan and that your Dad must care for him and give him all of the popcorn and soda that he wants so that he can stay up all night talking. When Goater speaks the Woodland Fairies fly in the opposite direction! Victory will soon be ours.
Goater!
Betrand G. Fizzywillow
Chief of the Gnomes